Dear Theodore {9 months}

3/23/2014 - Nine months in heaven

Dear Theodore,

You were born on a Monday, the 23rd of June. This month and last, your month birthdays have been on a Monday. It's been strange. I always look back to Sunday the 22nd of June with such heartache - it was the last day before our world crumbled and would never be the same. And it was SUCH a good day. We went to church... I still have the bulletin that Thomas and I played the connect-the-dot game on while taking sermon notes (how old are we?!). We came home, had lunch, and skyped with Nana and Grandad. Then off we went to Touch-A-Truck where Judah had the time of his life climbing through dump trucks and firetrucks and tow trucks and school buses. From there we went straight to our church's summer picnic, complete with inflatable water slides, pools, and sprinklers for the kids... it was so fun and we got to talk with many of our church family. I was hugely pregnant with you and everyone was excited that you would be here any day. The whole day, I just had this feeling that it was our last "hurrah" before our sweet baby boy arrived and we started our new life with him. And I guess I was mostly right - except for the devastating fact that we would be starting our new life without you. We had no way to know that before the end of the week, we would be having your memorial service.

Nine months ago right now, on another Monday, I was in labor with you. The physical agony was nothing compared the pain of the knowledge that I would be giving birth only to say goodbye. Your birth has given me the courage to face every day since then. I think to myself "If I got through that, I can get through anything... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Women often say that giving birth is the most painful thing you might face on this earth... I can guarantee you that it's not. Giving your baby up to heaven is... it is true physical, mental, emotional agony.

Bereaved motherhood is a hard journey. Nine months in, most days are manageable... I can take care of Judah, get housework done, prepare meals, run errands. But there is always a hole, always something missing. On hard days and anniversaries like today, the hole seems bigger and more achy. It's like being desperately hungry, only nothing will satisfy you. It's a deep ache that longs for you to be home with me, my Theodore, and yet recognizes that this earth will never be home.

There is a song by David Crowder that plays through my mind often:

"Come As You Are"

Come out of sadness

From wherever you’ve been

Come broken hearted

Let rescue begin

Come find your mercy

Oh sinner come kneel

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You’re not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

There’s hope for the hopeless

And all those who’ve strayed

Come sit at the table

Come taste the grace

There’s rest for the weary

Rest that endures

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t cure

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You’re not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

Come as you are

Fall in his arms

Come as you are

There’s joy for the morning

Oh sinner be still

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You’re not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

Come as you are

Come as you are

When I feel the weight of sadness and grief, I often say to myself... "Rest for the weary, rest that endures... earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal". On your month birthdays, I give myself the whole day without plans, because I never know what I will feel. Today I woke up with Judah, and the morning went fairly normally. I read something that made me choke up a little, but then I was ok again. As the hours went by, though, I've had this headache that's been building... like a storm brewing. I put Judah down for his nap, and he had some hard questions about life and death, and why Jesus had to die on the cross. I felt so inadequate to answer them in a way that he would understand. As I rocked him and sang "Jesus Loves Me" before he climbed into bed, I felt the floodgates begin to open... I managed to hold it back until he was tucked in and on his way to dreamland. I sat down to write this letter and let the tears out as the headache slowly faded. I call them "grief headaches" now, and they often surprise me, but I'm learning to recognize them. One of the things that's hard for me right now is that each month, it gets more difficult to picture you at an older age. We are only three months from your first birthday in heaven. It fills me with sorrow when I realize this is the month that Judah started walking and looked so grown up to me... and I will never know what you look like at nine months old. Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal...

This afternoon when he wakes up, Judah and I will go pick up nine blue balloons to let go when Papa gets home, and some bright flowers to bring some light and beauty into the house. We'll all go visit your little grave... Judah will ring the windchimes and spin your pinwheel and we'll pray. It's not how we pictured celebrating your birthday every month, but it brings us some peace. One of my projects this month is planting a little flower garden memorial in the corner of our yard next to your hydrangea... plenty of bright colors and beauty.

We love you, Theodore Robert. I have no idea how heaven works, but this month I will imagine you taking your first wobbly steps surrounded by angels and light and love in the presence of Jesus.

Love, Momma, Papa, Judah, and baby sister

A few pictures during labor with you, nine months ago right now:

Close up of my necklace, that I wore during labor with you and with Judah

Precious snuggles

Nine months old!

11/13/2012 - 9 months old!

Judah William you are 9 months old! 3/4's of a year. The big ONE is getting too close for comfort! It seems these monthly updates are the only blog posts I have time to do these days, and that's fine by me - I'd much rather spend time with you that be on the computer :) I will try to get some of my favorite pictures of you over the past few months posted, though, and if I find the time I'll post about my favorite baby products for you from 3-6 months and 6-9 months.

This month you have amazed me to a new level with how clever you are - literally every day you wake up and you seem to be smarter and more aware and able to do more things. When I pictured you before you were born, I could only imagine you as a little squishy baby - this is so brand new to me, this almost toddler-ish stage that you are going through. I'm very comfortable with little babies - I know how to care for them and comfort them and keep them happy (and you were such an easy little baby!) - but this 9-month old little boy-ness often has me baffled! And you are ALL BOY, child. Busy, active, go-go-go, must-get-into-everything. And yet you are also studious and take the time to discover and thoroughly explore new things. Thankfully, you will still snuggle up and nurse or rock to sleep when you are tired... because goodness knows momma needs that time to rest and snuggle with you, too!

Nine months old, with an attitude :)

Trying to escape over the back of the chair.

Staring in awe at the ceiling fan...

We got one little smile eventually!

How big you are:

At your 9-month appointment on 11/13/2012 you weighed 22lbs 6oz (73rd percentile). You were 28 inches long (32nd percentile - shorty!), and your head circumference was 47.5 cm (94th percentile! - big head to harbor that smarty pants big brain of yours :)). You are starting to "thin out" a tiny bit now that you're moving around constantly, but you've still got plenty of lovable chubbiness :) I'm going to be so sad when all your little rolls disappear!
You are wearing 9 and 12 month clothes, size 4 diapers, and size 3 shoes.


What you LOVE:

You're still my little water baby, and bath time is probably your favorite time of day. You get so excited when we get you undressed and take you into the bathroom. We turn the taps on and wait for the water to be the right temperature, and you stand holding onto the edge of the bath squealing and bouncing and cruising up and down until we put you in the tub. We got you some nesting bath toy cups recently and you LOVE playing with them - filling them up with water and pouring it out, and putting the smaller ones in the big ones, watching the water sprinkle out of the pinholes in the bottoms of the cups.

Music - we always listen to a classical music radio station when we're in the car and it keeps you calm. You can be screaming but as soon as I put classical music on you calm right down and listen intently. I try to put music on at home as often as possible and you like pretty much anything - with or without vocals. You seem to get more excited about female vocalists at the moment - you like the higher pitch, maybe? Over the past couple of months you've started dancing to music, and oh my goodness, it is SO CUTE. If you're sitting you will start to wave your arms up and down and try to bounce on your bottom. If your standing you bounce on you little legs and wave your hands up and down at the same time. I put Christmas music on for the first time the other day and you went crazy dancing to it... you just about killed me with the cuteness.

Doors - you love doors of any kind... closet doors, kitchen cupboard doors, the front door, your baby gate, the media center doors... you will stand there for a long time just opening and closing the doors!

Bouncing - you love to stand up in your crib and bounce while holding onto the side. You also love to bounce on our bed. You try to bounce on anything that feels soft!

Any kind of furry animal - you're obsessed with animals, you squeal whenever we see a dog or a squirrel on our walks. You love to chase the ducks down by the lakes. You love your soft toys too. You have one round ball-shaped monkey that you are particularly fond of. You'll grab it by the arm and drag it around everywhere with you.

BOOKS - your books are your all time favorite toys... which makes me SO happy. Your Daddy and I both love books and reading. It was my favorite activity as a child. You will sit and look at your books for long stretches of time, flipping through them and studying them.

Other loves - Playing peekaboo in your crib, watching Pingu, exploring new things, getting into things you're not allowed, your musical learning/play table, snuggling with mama at nap time and night time, when Daddy comes home, when you see another  baby or small child (you get so excited!).


What you don't like:

- Diaper changes and getting dressed.

- Keeping still in general.

- You are wary of new people, and you like to keep momma close by. You like to be in momma's (or Daddy's) arms until you warm up to people!


What you've been up to this month:

Mimicking things - Like your squeaky Sophie Giraffe - every time she squeaks you let out a squeaky squeal! And you mimic us as well - if I say "mama" you say "mama"... if I say "ga-goo" you say "ga-goo". You've started trying to say "peekaboo" when we play it, too... it comes out "ah-boo"... so cute!


Talking - you say "mama" for me, and "dada" for Daddy. You are starting to try to really talk, and say more complex multiple syllable sounds like "gabagoo" or "ahboomaga"... it sounds like you are chattering away in your own little language :)

Standing alone - you've been working on it all month, but you would only stand alone if you thought you were being held up or holding onto something. We would sometimes "trick" you into standing alone by giving you a toy to hold in each hand and then letting go of you slowly while you stood there and played with your toys until you realized no one was holding you and you would plonk down on your bottom :) You didn't actually realize you were completely able to do it yourself until a few days before your 9-month birthday. Now you will pull up and just let go and stand! I think you'll be taking your first solo steps pretty soon!

Nesting things - you've become really good at nesting smaller cups into bigger cups. You also LOVE to put lids on things. We have some cardboard nesting blocks that you love to nest the smaller ones in the bigger ones. You also love for us to build towers with the blocks and then you knock them down one block at a time - it's really funny! You do the same with your wooden blocks when we build towers for you. Sometimes you'll grab the top block and then use it to knock the rest of the blocks off, one by one!

You understand so much now! It's incredible. You know simple commands like "come here", "no, don't touch that", "sit on your bottom, please" (in the bathtub), "turn the light switch off" (you love to "help" me by doing that). You know what "it's bath time" and "night-night time" mean. You know "mama", "dada", "outside", and "Pingu!" ( you get so excited when I say "let's watch some Pingu!" or "let's go outside!").

Your hand-eye coordination and fine motor control has improved drastically - you can pick up tiny things like your little puffs with your thumb and first finger and manipulate them very well.

You got your FIRST TOOTH! Your bottom middle left one. It popped through on 10/30/2012, when you were 8 and a half months old - and Nana was the one who noticed it had come through! Then I noticed your SECOND TOOTH - top middle left one had come through on 11/10/2012. I think it may have come in a few days earlier, but I only noticed it on the 10th. You like to click them together! Also, you have bitten me a few times while nursing, OUCH! I don't think you meant to, you just don't realize that you have teeth now. But I always firmly say "NO, Judah, do not bite Momma" and you haven't done it recently.

Your little brain is making so many connections every day. You are SO curious about everything. You've developed some fears - mostly the loud noises made by things like the vacuum cleaner, dishwasher, or the washing machine etc. You start whimpering as soon as you see the vacuum cleaner, poor baby! The funny thing about you, though, is that even if you are afraid of something you STILL have to investigate it. You could be shaking and whimpering, but you still have to go up to the vacuum cleaner and study it and gingerly touch it.

Sleeping - very hit and miss this month. I think because you've been teething, the daylight savings time change, and some 9-month-old sleep regression = bad sleep. You've been waking up anywhere from twice a night, to every. single. hour. We're a little tired, needless to say. You have been taking generally good naps though - twice a day anywhere from 1.5 hours to 2.5 hours each.

Eating - You're still not terribly interested in solid foods. You'll eat them, especially fresh fruit, and you like your cereal mixed with yogurt. But you have to be in a good mood, and not tired at all, in order to eat any solid food. Your favorite ( by far ) source of food is momma's milk, so we're still going strong with nursing. Usually you nurse every 3-4 hours during the day, and you nurse when you wake up at night which could be any number of times this month! Fortunately "food is for fun until age one" as the saying goes, so I'm not worried, especially since you are growing and very healthy.

This month was an exciting one because Grandad and Nana came to visit. Grandad arrived on 10/16/2012, three days after your 8 month birthday - it was your first time time to meet! You warmed up to him right away. Grandad took you on at least three walks a day to see the ducks, which you LOVED. Nana got here on 10/20/2012 after her meetings and we had a wonderful week all together. We took you to the Texas State Fair - we went last year when I was 22 weeks pregnant with you, so it was so fun to take you there as an 8 month old. We also went to the Dallas Arboretum and saw the pumpkin village, and you LOVED playing in the frog fountains. You soaked up all the attention from Grandad and Nana. When you would wake up in the morning and see Grandad you got so excited because you knew you were about to go on a walk to see the duckies with him! You two were great buddies. You loved your Nana, too - as soon as she arrived it was like you already knew her - I think you subconsciously remembered her from your first month of life, as well as talking to her on Skype all the time. She was very familiar to you and you settled right in with her. She was a pro at getting you to eat your food and putting you to sleep :) It was so wonderful to watch you play and explore together, marveling at your antics, and just sharing in the joy of YOU. And it was wonderful for us to see you with Nana and Grandad and watch how much you love them (and all the attention they gave you!). Our times with your grandparents are few and far between, but that makes them all the more special.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, what a month! It is so fun to watch you grow and learn in leaps and bounds. As I type you are chattering away to yourself as you pull out your books and flip through them one by one. It's so hard to believe that in nine months you have gone from a tiny, squishy, helpless newborn to playing and exploring independently, standing alone, and "reading" your books. Nine short months! Mind blowing. Slow down, baby boy!

We love you Judah William - from the tips of your wispy strawberry blonde hair to the ends of your chubby sausage toes.