tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86163746599105466502024-03-19T06:48:55.511-05:00hey judeSarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.comBlogger343125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-49909744718773910512016-06-15T16:41:00.001-05:002016-06-15T16:41:40.880-05:00June 12thDates have always been important to me, and June 12th is a big day in the Congdon household.<br />
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Five years ago on June 12th, 2011 we found out that we were unexpectedly going to have a baby! We were parents!<br />
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The week that followed was full of excitement and slight panic and taking deep breaths and realizing our lives were about to change forever, though we couldn't possibly imagine how much that was true.<br />
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<span style="text-align: start;">And now look at the size of him, eating ice cream almost exactly five years later!</span></div>
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Two years ago on June 12th, 2014 I went in for an ultrasound to check my fluid levels with baby boy number two - because I was measuring big, as usual (#chubbyCongdonbabies). Thomas decided at the last minute to come, too. I will never forget the kindness and joyfulness of the ultrasound tech. She said, "let's measure these fluid levels quick, and then we can play with baby!". Once she was done measuring, she took lots of time (which I know was not part of her job) to show us his sweet chubby face - he had some CHEEKS. We checked to make sure he was still a boy. He was so big at this point ("now, be aware that this is only an estimate but it looks like you might have a 9 pounder!" she said.. and she was right!), that we could only really see one body part at a time. She found his hands and he was waving at us - I can still see it in my mind, his chubby little hand waving on that screen.<br />
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The sweetest, chubbiest cheeks</div>
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The week and a half that followed were filled with a growing excitement. I am forever grateful to that sweet ultrasound tech - she filled me with joy and excitement to meet this sweet baby boy who was waving at us from my womb. She breathed new life into me after a long, difficult pregnancy... with long work hours and grad school for Thomas, lots of solo parenting for me, house hunting, house buying, moving, sickness, bedrest, house problems... I had hardly had time to be excited. But we were actually going to have a sweet baby! He waved at us! Judah was going to meet his long-awaited baby brother! I finally washed tiny clothes, packed the diaper bag, got out all the baby gear, installed the car seat.<br />
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We had no idea that June 12th, 2014 would be the last time we would see Theodore alive. That a last minute ultrasound to check fluid levels would be such a blessing and a memory to cling to.<br />
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June will always be the month we became parents, and the month we went through something no parent should have to bear. Walking through June, and life, is a tender mix of joy and sorrow... sorrow and joy. You can't know one without knowing the other, not on this earth.<br />
<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-42220106131538302632015-08-19T12:11:00.000-05:002015-08-19T12:11:37.545-05:00Dear Theodore (1 year old)6/23/2015 - One year old in heaven<br />
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Dear Theodore,<br />
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I'm nearly two months late in writing this down, but it has been running through my head constantly. My sweet one year old little boy, my heart is broken and missing you. Your first birthday happened in the midst of much craziness - we had just found out about baby sister's cyst, so we had multiple appointments with specialists and had to switch providers in order to birth her in a hospital instead of the birth center. I was in a car accident two days after your birthday and then your little sister was born just eight days after your birthday. I carried you every second in my heart and my thoughts, but there was not a time for me to sit and write your letter.<br />
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Subconsciously I knew that your first birthday would be in the middle of lots of activity, so I did a lot of grieving in the months and weeks leading up to it... I felt the weight of grief very heavily again. The actual day of your birthday was the one peaceful and calm day that week... there were no appointments, and I was able to do the few things I had planned on doing. I took flowers and chocolates to the birth center where you were born, I wrote thank-you notes (that I still need to mail, yikes!), and we visited your grave with the freshly laid gravestone. Nana and Grandad took us out for dinner, and Nana made you the perfect cake for a one-year-old little boy. I wasn't sure if I wanted to sing "Happy Birthday" or not... but Judah started singing it to you all by himself when he saw the cake with the candle lit, so we sang it with him and it was perfect. You were born at 8:46pm, so we went outside after we ate some cake and lit sparklers in the backyard around that time. I wasn't sure leading up to the 23rd what it would look like or even what I wanted it to look like, but it really was just what I didn't know I wanted. So many wonderful people participated in "Theodore's Thank You Day" and did acts of kindness in your memory - it brought peace and joy to my heart to see/hear/read about the things people did. The very next morning we were back to appointments and craziness, but I'm so grateful that God gave us the special, peaceful day that I was hoping for on your birthday. It was enough to get me through those few crazy weeks surrounding baby sister's birth.<br />
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I cannot believe that it has been a year... a long year since I birthed you and held you and kissed you for six of the shortest and longest hours on earth. You were such a big boy, 9lbs 12oz! You looked a month old at birth, so chubby and roly poly. I will always desperately wish for more time with you, to see you grow and change, to know you at one year old. As Judah likes to say "Baby Theodore is not a baby anymore, he is a big boy in heaven!"<br />
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I don't really know what else to say, just that we miss you so very much. I'm realizing more and more that no matter what our family looks like, there will always be you missing. And that is an ache that we will carry until we meet again - some days it is so very achy.<br />
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Happy First Birthday, my sweet Theodore. I am thankful for the peaceful day that it was here on earth, and that every day for you is like the best birthday ever... but I still wish that your face was covered in chocolate cake, and that we could all be laughing at how adorable you are.<br />
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Love, Momma, Papa, Judah, and Nella<br />
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The last "monthly sticker" balloons - 12 months old.</div>
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Visiting your grave</div>
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Judah always runs and lets balloons go in the field by your grave.</div>
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Birthday cake (chocolate, picked by your big brother)</div>
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Sparkler fun outside</div>
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We lit a sky lantern, and tied it to the fence so it wouldn't float away (fire hazard!)</div>
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Chocolate and flowers for the wonderful people at the birth center you were born at</div>
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Thank you notes (still writing them... and still need to mail them!)</div>
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<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-87267484064512356312015-05-30T23:41:00.000-05:002015-08-19T12:43:21.589-05:00Dear Theodore {11 months}5/23/2015 - Eleven months in heaven<br />
<br />
Dear Theodore,<br />
<br />
Here we are, just a month before your first birthday in heaven. There were many times during the early days after you were born when reaching a year of grief seemed like an impossibility - how could we get through that much sadness, all those milestones and months without you. But here we are, and it's crept up on me in these final weeks of your little sister's pregnancy. I feel unprepared and unsure of how to celebrate you and desperately miss you at the same time. Your first birthday falls right in the middle of the week that baby sister will be arriving. We didn't necessarily plan it or want it that way, but that is how it has worked out. Navigating the joy of meeting her, and the pain of missing you and wishing you were blowing out your first candle... all in the same week.<br />
<br />
Our days are pretty normal, almost a year after you were born. The fact that you lived and died far too soon is integrated into our lives, it's part of our story... not so shocking and jarring and all-consuming as it was in the beginning. But there will always be moments of shock and disbelief. One afternoon not long ago I feel asleep on the couch during Judah's nap, and my mind was in that sort of twilight between sleeping and waking. I thought of you and your birth and death and was in a state of total shock once again - did that really happen? Did I really give birth to you, my perfect but not breathing son? How? Why?<br />
<br />
One of the hard things, which happens often, are the questions that all mothers are asked. Is this your first baby? How many children do you have? How old are they?... I get the "Is this your first baby?" question whenever I go anywhere without Judah. I say "No, actually it's my third" and kind of hope the questions stop there. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Recently I was picking up our take-out order at a little Chinese restaurant, and a sweet older Chinese lady continued the questions... How old are your children? Boys or girls? And what is the baby? ... I smiled and said "My oldest boy is three, my second boy would be almost one, and the baby is a girl, due very soon". She didn't pick up on the "would be" and it was way for me to include all my children without raising more questions. And it made me feel like a normal mom, including you in the list. It's a hard thing to navigate though, how much to say so that I feel like I'm being true to myself and honoring you... and how much to not say to avoid the inevitible pain and unwanted comments.<br />
<br />
Perhaps harder, though, is when people just innocently assume that baby girl is my second baby, and there is no easy or appropriate way to correct them. Or when someone confuses Judah by asking "Are you having a baby brother or a baby sister?" because in his mind, he has both. And he does. He often answers baby brother, even though he knows we're having a little girl... I think to protect your memory. He understands that baby sister is a different baby. It's just hard for him to grasp that you are not here with us. He asks frequently if baby sister is going to live in heaven when she is born, to which we tell him "We hope that baby sister is going to come home and grow up with us!". He also often says things like "I miss baby Theodore. I wish I could play with him. He would like my firetrucks! He plays firetrucks in heaven with Jesus. Can we go see him there? Why did he have to go to heaven?" ... Oh, how I wish I could watch the two of you play firetrucks. I'm just so sad that you two will never get to be brothers on this earth.<br />
<br />
We recently got a little red wagon and took Judah for a walk in it. Everytime I looked back to check on him, I wished you were strapped into the other little seat. I bet you would just have loved it, sitting like a big boy with your big brother. I know you are having so much more fun than we could ever imagine in heaven, but I still long for you to be here on earth having fun with us. I want to watch you figure out how to blow out a candle, and make a complete mess of your first cupcake, just like Judah did.<br />
<br />
I miss you, little Theodore. This month I will work on your special wall in our room... full of your pictures and poems, your teddy bears, things that remind us of you. I want to have it all set up by your birthday. With baby sister coming and all the busyness of the next couple of weeks and months, I want you to have your own little spot. I'm not sure yet what we will do on your birthday, I know it will be in the middle of a crazy week... but I want to make space for celebrating all that you are in our family. Judah said recently "We should have a cake for baby Theodore's birthday!" - so we will definitely be having cake. Not an hour goes by that I don't think of you, not a second that you aren't carried close to my heart.<br />
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We love you, our little almost-one-year-old Theodore. One year in heaven for you, one year on earth for us - as opposite as it could possibly be. I'm glad you're the one in heaven with Jesus, wanting for nothing. A parent always wants the best for their child, and you have the very best.<br />
<br />
<br />
Love, Momma, Papa, Judah, and baby sister<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-19954511064401362022015-05-13T12:39:00.000-05:002015-08-19T12:40:25.905-05:00Dear Judah {3 years old}Dear Judah,<br />
<br />
I can't believe it's been three whole years (plus a couple months...) since you were born! I can hardly remember what life was like without you. It seems like lifetimes ago that you were born, and just yesterday at the same time. It does feel like it's been much longer than three years ago that you were a tiny baby - you are so big and grown up now, it's hard to imagine you as a baby. I love the Timehop app on my phone because I get to see pictures of you three years ago, two years ago, and one year ago often. It's crazy how much a little person grows in the first few years of life.<br />
<br />
We had a little party for your third birthday with our small group, and I made you a construction site cake. You were so excited and joyful about it all, it was a delight to watch.<br />
<br />
You never stop talking these days... whether you're creating an imaginary play world for yourself, or telling me about something that happened (in real life or in your imaginary worlds), or asking me if you can go somewhere or do something. You hold entire elaborate conversations with the characters in your imaginary worlds. Your vocabulary and sentence structure is impressive (I'm obviously biased, but you are an excellent little talker and many people comment on it). You recognize your numbers and letters, and you love to show off by "spelling" your name to anyone who will listen :) "J-U-D-A-H! That spells ME! It's my name!". You recognize many common signs/words that we see a lot... you can spot a Chick-Fil-A from a mile away, ha. Target, Costco, Hyvee, IKEA, Whole Foods, Aldi, McDonalds (the big yellow M!), Freddy's, and lots more... you always point them out as we drive by. You recognize the words "Judah, Mama, Papa, Nana, Thomas, Sarah, Baby" because we often spell them with magnets on the fridge, or write them on your easel. You like to make letter shapes out of things like beads and sticks - your favorite letter to make is "T"<br />
<br />
You love to ride your balance bike around the front and back yards like a crazy child... up and down hills, lifting your feet up to coast along, zooming around like it's second nature. You will be ready for a pedal bike soon, I think! We are SO VERY GLAD that winter is over. Being outside makes our days much easier.<br />
<br />
You are grasping deeper concepts and asking lots of questions now, and we are finding it difficult to explain things to you in ways that you can comprehend. We recently had Easter and that was a hard one to explain! You can rattle off the whole story of how Jesus died on the cross for our sins and then rose again to conquer death so that we can go to heaven. But you are still confused... "But WHY did Jesus have to die, mama? His friends are going to miss him!". You were also confused that not everyone can become alive again after they die! (Many of your imaginary games involved characters dying and then coming back to life for a few days, haha). These are all hard things to understand even as an adult, so it's difficult to know how to discuss them with a curious and very imaginative three-year-old!<br />
<br />
You want to know how everything works, and where everything comes from. You certainly keep me on my toes with all your questions. And of course, the ever-present "Why?"... "But WHY mama?"<br />
<br />
You are the best big brother, to Theodore and baby sister. You remember Theodore and talk about him often. You adore baby sister and are constantly rubbing my belly, talking to her, telling her you love her and how cute she is, giving her hugs and kisses, and trying to get her to kick you. You can hardly wait for her to come out!<br />
<br />
Your train table and your play kitchen are two of your favorites right now. You make up stories about your trains as they travel around the tracks, and you love to cook us "dinner" and bake us all kinds ot cakes and cookies and pies in your kitchen. Being outside is another favorite thing... with your bike, lawnmower, and your new-to-us little climber, wagon, and cozy coupe. You also love to "pretend drive" my car or Papa's car. You could spend hours just sitting in the driver's seat, buckling and unbuckling your seatbelt, pushing all the buttons that we let you push, pretending to fill up with gas, go shopping, get ice cream....<br />
<br />
We recently moved you from your toddler bed (converted from your crib) to a big boy bed. You love it and transitioned just fine, but it was hard for momma! You slept in that crib/toddler bed for over three years. I have a picture of the very first time you slept in it, and one of the very last night you slept in it. I can't believe how big you are getting.<br />
<br />
We love you, big three year old!!! Eventually I'll get around to sorting through all the pictures and posting some.....<br />
<br />
<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-78711464198000118602015-04-23T20:30:00.000-05:002015-04-24T02:22:33.449-05:00Dear Theodore {10 months}04/23/2015 - 10 months in heaven<br />
<br />
Dear Theodore,<br />
<br />
Some days are just harder than others, and usually your month birthdays are days like that. I wake up with a deeper ache. It hurts more that there is only one little boy snuggled up next to me in the morning as we wake up. I stretch my arm over the spot next to me and shed some quiet tears that you are not there, while Judah builds his little nest on the other side.<br />
<br />
To be honest, this month has had a lot of hard days. It kind of started out on the wrong foot for me - when we let your nine-month balloons go, the wind was weird and they got stuck in the tree in our front yard. I laughed it off, but it actually really bothered me. They didn't float off into the horizon like they usually do, and there wasn't a sense of release or "letting go". Instead, they stuck in our tree and slowly deflated or popped. I tried not to look at them. I am fully aware that when the balloons float away, they come down somewhere and get stuck in some random tree or pop or deflate. I know it's silly, but having it happen right in front of my eyes was disheartening, and it just seemed to kick start a sad month.<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white;">This month also contained Easter, which was just hard. Another "holiday" without you... more traditions that should have been with two boys... egg hunts and Easter baskets and enjoying the beautiful spring. Judah was very interested in the Easter story this year, and it was hard to explain it to him in an age-appropriate way. It's not an easy one to comprehend even as an adult. It was such a tender subject for me this year, and I was a bit of a wreck for most of a week. He died and rose again, to save us from our sins... so that we can be together in heaven one day. I just struggled so much with the reality of this world, the suffering, the pain, the separation from loved ones. This life on earth, it is a Holy Saturday. The dark wait before His return, before the "He is Risen!". Some days it seems too much to eek out an existence and hope is hard to grasp.</span><br />
<br />
The countdown to your baby sister is getting shorter, and the emotions and anxiety that go with that have also really hit me this month. She will be born within days of your first birthday in heaven, and I wish I knew exactly when she will arrive so I can prepare my heart a little more for the onslaught of joy and sorrow that will happen in the same week. Moving through the weeks and milestones at the same time of year as I did with you last year is bittersweet. Never in a million years did I think I would be pregnant again this year - I thought I would have you in my arms. "The mind of a man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps" - Proverbs 16:9.<br />
<br />
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">O God, who holds all souls in life; </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">and calls them unto Yourself as seems best:</span><span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">we give them back, dear God, to You who gave them to us.</span><span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">But as You did not lose them in the giving,</span><span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">so we do not lose them by their return.</span><span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">For not as the world gives, do You give, O Lord of souls:</span><span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">that which You give You take not away:</span><span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">for life is eternal, and love is immortal,</span><span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">and death is only the horizon,</span><span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">and the horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.</span></div>
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- Rossiter W. Raymond</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I came accross this poem some time ago, and I've read it over and over. Yes, God gives and takes away... but not in an eternal sense. Only on this earth. This sorrow-full earth. God gave us you for nine short months here, but for an eternity in heaven. As far-off as that seems, and as painful as this life on earth is... we will see you again. A sweet friend reminded me today that time in heaven is different from here on earth - maybe for you, no time at all will have passed until we meet again in that whole and perfect place in the presence of our Savior. That brings me peace. I cannot protect Judah from sorrow and pain (that is hardest part of being a mother), but you are in the very arms of Jesus - never to suffer, never to want, never to miss us or long for us like we do for you.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">A year ago right now, we had just moved into our first house - bought with the anticipation of bringing you home to our own house. One of the main reasons we decided to buy a house was so that our children would have a place to really call "home"... to put down some roots here and settle in. This is your house just as much as it is ours, though you never got to come home to it. I am very attached to it - you lived here inside of me for two months, and I labored here with you before I knew you were gone. It has harbored us during our grief, and helped heal us with it's bright and airy atmosphere. Our first house has very much become our home, and you are very much a part of our home.</span></div>
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I can never predict when a hard day is coming, or what odd thing will trigger deep grief. There have been many hard days this month, and it's been draining. I can understand why - we are getting closer to the one-year mark of saying goodbye to you, and closer to meeting baby sister all at the same time. I am anxious, exhausted (I guess two pregnancies in less than two years will do that), and grieving. I just miss you so much. <span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">As we were leaving the cemetery today and climbing into the car, Judah said sadly "But what about baby Theodore? I really miss him"... like he wanted to somehow take you with us. Sigh. We all really miss you.</span><span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"> You and baby sister are going to be my Irish twins... I wish you could both be here on earth. </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">We love you, little Theodore... 10 months old, I can hardly believe it. We've lived a lifetime in 10 months, it seems. And yet I can vividly relive the day you were born. I wouldn't change it for the world, except of course to have gotten to keep you here on earth with us. I love that I got to carry you for nine months, and that we got to meet you... heartbreaking though it was. You are worth it all.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">Love, Momma, Papa, Judah, and baby sister</span></div>
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Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-58479617677712547742015-03-23T15:32:00.000-05:002015-03-24T09:43:43.409-05:00Dear Theodore {9 months}3/23/2014 - Nine months in heaven<br />
<br />
Dear Theodore,<br />
<br />
You were born on a Monday, the 23rd of June. This month and last, your month birthdays have been on a Monday. It's been strange. I always look back to Sunday the 22nd of June with such heartache - it was the last day before our world crumbled and would never be the same. And it was SUCH a good day. We went to church... I still have the bulletin that Thomas and I played the connect-the-dot game on while taking sermon notes (how old are we?!). We came home, had lunch, and skyped with Nana and Grandad. Then off we went to Touch-A-Truck where Judah had the time of his life climbing through dump trucks and firetrucks and tow trucks and school buses. From there we went straight to our church's summer picnic, complete with inflatable water slides, pools, and sprinklers for the kids... it was so fun and we got to talk with many of our church family. I was hugely pregnant with you and everyone was excited that you would be here any day. The whole day, I just had this feeling that it was our last "hurrah" before our sweet baby boy arrived and we started our new life with him. And I guess I was mostly right - except for the devastating fact that we would be starting our new life <i>without you. </i>We had no way to know that before the end of the week, we would be having your memorial service.<br />
<br />
Nine months ago right now, on another Monday, I was in labor with you. The physical agony was nothing compared the pain of the knowledge that I would be giving birth only to say goodbye. Your birth has given me the courage to face every day since then. I think to myself "If I got through that, I can get through anything... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Women often say that giving birth is the most painful thing you might face on this earth... I can guarantee you that it's not. Giving your baby up to heaven is... it is true physical, mental, emotional agony.<br />
<br />
Bereaved motherhood is a hard journey. Nine months in, most days are manageable... I can take care of Judah, get housework done, prepare meals, run errands. But there is always a hole, always something missing. On hard days and anniversaries like today, the hole seems bigger and more achy. It's like being desperately hungry, only nothing will satisfy you. It's a deep ache that longs for you to be home with me, my Theodore, and yet recognizes that this earth will never be home.<br />
<br />
There is a song by David Crowder that plays through my mind often:<br />
<br />
<b style="border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;">"Come As You Are"</b><br />
<br />
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<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px; text-align: left;">
Come out of sadness</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px; text-align: left;">
From wherever you’ve been</div>
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Come broken hearted</div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px; text-align: left;">
Let rescue begin</div>
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Come find your mercy</div>
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Oh sinner come kneel</div>
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Earth has no sorrow</div>
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That heaven can’t heal</div>
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Earth has no sorrow</div>
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That heaven can’t heal</div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">So lay down your burdens</span></div>
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</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"></span>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">Lay down your shame</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
All who are broken</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Lift up your face</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Oh wanderer come home</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
You’re not too far</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
So lay down your hurt</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Lay down your heart</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Come as you are</div>
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">There’s hope for the hopeless</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"></span>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">And all those who’ve strayed</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Come sit at the table</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Come taste the grace</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
There’s rest for the weary</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Rest that endures</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Earth has no sorrow</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
That heaven can’t cure</div>
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">So lay down your burdens</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"></span>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">Lay down your shame</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
All who are broken</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Lift up your face</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Oh wanderer come home</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
You’re not too far</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
So lay down your hurt</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Lay down your heart</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Come as you are</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Come as you are</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Fall in his arms</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Come as you are</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
There’s joy for the morning</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Oh sinner be still</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Earth has no sorrow</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
That heaven can’t heal</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Earth has no sorrow</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
That heaven can’t heal</div>
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">So lay down your burdens</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"></span>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">Lay down your shame</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;">
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
All who are broken</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Lift up your face</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Oh wanderer come home</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
You’re not too far</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
So lay down your hurt</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Lay down your heart</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Come as you are</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Come as you are</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4399995803833px;"><div style="text-align: left;">
Come as you are</div>
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
When I feel the weight of sadness and grief, I often say to myself... "Rest for the weary, rest that endures... earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal". On your month birthdays, I give myself the whole day without plans, because I never know what I will feel. Today I woke up with Judah, and the morning went fairly normally. I read something that made me choke up a little, but then I was ok again. As the hours went by, though, I've had this headache that's been building... like a storm brewing. I put Judah down for his nap, and he had some hard questions about life and death, and why Jesus had to die on the cross. I felt so inadequate to answer them in a way that he would understand. As I rocked him and sang "Jesus Loves Me" before he climbed into bed, I felt the floodgates begin to open... I managed to hold it back until he was tucked in and on his way to dreamland. I sat down to write this letter and let the tears out as the headache slowly faded. I call them "grief headaches" now, and they often surprise me, but I'm learning to recognize them. One of the things that's hard for me right now is that each month, it gets more difficult to picture you at an older age. We are only three months from your first birthday in heaven. It fills me with sorrow when I realize this is the month that Judah started walking and looked so grown up to me... and I will never know what you look like at nine months old. Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal...</div>
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This afternoon when he wakes up, Judah and I will go pick up nine blue balloons to let go when Papa gets home, and some bright flowers to bring some light and beauty into the house. We'll all go visit your little grave... Judah will ring the windchimes and spin your pinwheel and we'll pray. It's not how we pictured celebrating your birthday every month, but it brings us some peace. One of my projects this month is planting a little flower garden memorial in the corner of our yard next to your hydrangea... plenty of bright colors and beauty.</div>
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We love you, Theodore Robert. I have no idea how heaven works, but this month I will imagine you taking your first wobbly steps surrounded by angels and light and love in the presence of Jesus.</div>
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Love, Momma, Papa, Judah, and baby sister<br />
<br />
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A few pictures during labor with you, nine months ago right now:</div>
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Close up of my necklace, that I wore during labor with you and with Judah</div>
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Precious snuggles</div>
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Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-63823183675343804672015-03-06T16:06:00.000-06:002015-03-19T11:13:52.017-05:00Dear Theodore {8 months}2/23/2015 - Eight months in heaven<br />
<br />
Dear Theodore,<br />
<br />
I'm writing this late again, next week you would be nine months old here on earth. These letters to you are emotionally draining for me, but so important and healing. It is hard to find time to sit and write when Judah is keeping me busy. He doesn't like to see me upset so I try not to write letters to you when he is watching. It's just one of many things that make me wish you were here with us, so that all of our lives could be intertwined more effortlessly.<br />
<br />
Month eight was a busy one, a cold one, and a sick one. Judah had a week-long stomach bug, and then we all got bad colds that took weeks to go away. I started on a bit of a health quest because I was sick of being sick with all the winter germs and revamped our eating, making our own sourdough bread, milk kefir, cultured vegetables and cooking healthy food each day. This takes up a lot of time and energy but it has really helped. Knowing that I am feeding myself and my family good nourishing food has been uplifting for me. Judah also turned three, and we had his birthday party last month. It was lots of fun, but as always I couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like to have you there. I remember last year on Judah's second birthday thinking "Next year Judah will have a 7.5 month old little brother crawling around on his birthday!".<br />
<br />
My dreams of you are all I have - I will never get to see you at 8 months old, a year old, 8 years old, 18 years old... And every month I have to let go of that a little more. I can sort of imagine what you would be doing, having watched Judah grow up. At 8 months old he was a speedy crawler, he could stand alone, and he was walking everywhere with his little push walker. Nothing was safe! Sometimes I look around and imagine how different life would be if you were here - we'd have the fence up around the TV. We'd have gates on all the doorways. The alphabet fridge magnets would be pushed up higher out of your reach. I'd be wrestling with safety locks on the kitchen cupboards. The pile of clean laundry would be your playground. There are a hundred little things that I think of every day, and then have to let go.<br />
<br />
It snowed several times and it was cold cold cold. The cold makes me sad anyways, and being stuck indoors doesn't help. Ever since we buried your ashes on your one month birthday, it's hard for me when it rains or snows. My momma heart irrationally wants to run to your grave with umbrellas and blankets. I don't... because I know with absolute certainty that you are not really there. But your grave is one of few tangible links I have with you... it's your precious little earthly body... and I am your mother and there are so few things I can do to mother you on this earth. So it's hard for me. This probably seems strange and morbid to people who have not buried a child or a loved one... it's one of those things that I hope no one ever has to understand.<br />
<br />
We found out baby #3 is a little girl in the middle of month 8. I knew from the very beginning with you and with Judah that you were boys. This time I just couldn't tell, though I kept thinking "well maybe this one is a girl" and then instantly saying to myself "no that's impossible, we're a boy family!" - I guess that should have been my clue that it was a little sister! It is such a joy to think about having a little girl. But my heart hurts a little, too. Judah won't have his little brother buddy like I had imagined the two of you. We won't get to use all the sweet little boy clothes (this time). Our lives will be filled with new little girl things, which is so happy... but I miss <i>you</i>, my little boy. No one will ever replace you.<br />
<br />
Sweet Theodore... we just miss you. This letter seems a little disjointed... I just wanted to write down what I felt during month eight. It's not pretty or flowing but it's real. We miss you. It always hurts. We wish you were here.<br />
<br />
Love, Momma, Papa, Judah, and baby sister<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-87785989519245594422015-03-05T23:17:00.000-06:002015-03-05T23:17:05.162-06:00Dear Sweet Rainbow GirlMy sweet baby girl,<br />
<br />
I had kind of hoped to have a name for you by now, but we are not quite there yet! I hardly know where to start my first letter to you. We found out we were pregnant with you in mid-October just days before your big brother Theodore's four-months-in-heaven birthday. We were not expecting to be pregnant again quite that quickly, but God had his plans! The month leading up to finding out about you was a strangely bright and hopeful month, after three dark months of hard grief. On Theodore's three-months-in-heaven birthday, we visited his little grave like we always do and there was a beautiful rainbow over the cemetery. We saw a similar one the evening before Theodore was born. It brought me such joy and hope. Throughout that whole month, I saw rainbows literally everywhere... dancing through the chandelier in our kitchen, shimmering through cracks in the garage door, out of the corner of my eye as the light caught my glasses.<br />
<br />
There was joy that month, mixed with the grief, and bright hope for the future... promises of good things to come. And then we found out about you! A "rainbow baby" is a term for a baby who comes after the storm of loss. I do not consider Theodore to be a "storm" or a "loss"... he is our precious baby boy... but the grief of not having him with us on earth is most definitely like a storm. Rainbows don't take away the ravages of the storm, but they bring light and hope. You are our sweet rainbow girl - you have brought us so much joy already.<br />
<br />
As the pregnancy hormones kicked in, I began to have a more difficult time again. Pregnancy and grief make for a rough combination. I always look back on that month and the first couple of weeks of pregnancy with wonder - before we even knew about you, God sent little signs of the joy to come. It really was such a bright and hopeful few weeks.<br />
<br />
November, December, and January were hard. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, a new year... so many firsts without Theodore, while being pregnant and exhausted and hormonal. Your due date is only a week apart from his, so I hit milestones at all the same times I was hitting them with Theodore last year. It was/is bittersweet. Thankfully the past few weeks have seemed a little brighter again.<br />
<br />
I had no idea how terrifying being pregnant again after a loss could be. Before I could feel you moving, I had to rely on my pregnancy symptoms. If they seemed less severe one day, if I felt less queasy or something, it was hard not to worry that I was loosing you. I felt you move later than I felt Judah (14 weeks) and Theodore (13 weeks)... it was not until about 16 weeks that I felt you really move. Even now at 22 weeks, you movements are softer and less pronounced than the boys'. When I was pregnant with Judah and Theodore it was so fun to feel them moving, and I never gave it a second thought. I never did my "kick counts" like you're supposed to after 28 weeks. Every time I feel you move, I breathe a sigh of relief and release some tension that I don't even realize I'm carrying. When I wake in the middle of the night, I cannot sleep again until I feel a little kick or roll. And you can bet I will be doing my "kick counts" multiple times a day as soon as I hit 28 weeks. Maybe even 24 weeks. I feel like I can't trust my body to keep you safe like it's supposed to... like it failed to keep Theodore safe. I know that God has a plan, that Theodore is exactly where he is supposed to be... and that you have your own days ordained for you... but it is very hard to feel like something in your body went wrong and caused your baby to die and you don't exactly know what or how to stop it from happening again.<br />
<br />
Each appointment that I have, whether just a check-up or an ultrasound, is nerve-wracking. My appointments at the birth center are often in the same room that the midwife could not find Theodore's heartbeat. I always walk right past the ultrasound room where they confirmed his heart was not beating. And sweet baby girl... you are ornery when it comes to finding your heartbeat! You like to hide. At my 12 week appointment it took the midwife at least five anxious minutes to find it... same again at 16 weeks. Because I felt movement later and your heartbeat was always hard to find, the midwives guessed I might have an anterior placenta (in the front of the uterus). However, the ultrasound at 20 weeks showed it was more fundal and posterior - so baby girl, you just like to hide and give me and Papa mini-heart attacks! I guess you are just more chilled out than your brothers because you don't move as much as they did.<br />
<br />
Your 20-week ultrasound with the maternal-fetal specialist was anxiety-inducing as well. I'm just more aware now of all the things that can go wrong with development etc, so it was hard not to be anxious. The ultrasound was early on a Monday morning and the whole week before I literally kept forgetting about it. Thomas would mention it and I would be surprised again - oh right, that's on Monday... I think it was my mind protecting itself with some sort of denial, ha! The ultrasound tech was very sweet, and the very first thing we saw was that you were a girl. Everything looked good, although the tech was momentarily concerned about one of your kidneys being a little big. When she went back and measured again, it had gone back down, meaning fluid was moving through properly. You do like to give us a good scare. You measured two days bigger than your due date (July 4th), and apparently you have long legs and arms and big feet! Which is surprising, considering the rest of your family has relatively tiny feet :)<br />
<br />
One of the reasons I really wanted to have a name for you by now was that I felt it would help me to connect with you during the pregnancy. While I still want to find a name sooner rather than later, I'm not worried about bonding with you anymore. I think about you all the time... I wonder what you will look like, and I imagine holding you in my arms. I feel connected with you, much more so than I ever felt during my pregnancies with Judah and Theodore. I only got to hold Theodore in my arms for six hours, after carrying him inside me for nine long months. It's intensified the longing to hold you... to see you breathe, to hear you cry, to feed you, to watch you grow, to watch you with Papa and Judah.<br />
<br />
Your biggest brother Judah is so excited to meet you. He wants to rub my belly and kiss you multiple times a day (an hour!). Every morning when he snuggles up next to me he asks "Mama, is there a tiny baby in your tummy?"... "yes, buddy, there is!"... "Is it baby sister?"... "yes, buddy"... "Is she going to come out now?"... "Not for a few months, she's still too little right now" .... and so on. He just has to check every morning that you're still there... my sweet 3-year-old boy. He worries for you, which breaks my heart... and makes me beg on my knees that you get to come home and play with him and grow up with him. After rubbing my belly he often says to me "I just checked on baby sister and she is good! She is sooo cute and I love her." He pretends to check for your heartbeat like he sees the midwives doing, and he gives me "shots" in my arm (I get blood drawn at every appointment to keep an eye on antibody levels). He is so very sweet with you, just like he always was with Theodore. Now that he is older and understands more, he wants to know things like exactly how you get your food (the umbilical cord thing is fascinating to him), and if you need to wear a diaper inside me! According to Judah, you love blueberries and chocolate just like he does.<br />
<br />
We are less than four months away from meeting you, and it cannot go fast enough. I just want you in my arms! I feel like I will not breathe deeply or easily until I hear your newborn cry. I know you will not fill the hole that Theodore has left in our earthly family... there will always be someone missing. You and Theodore will be my little Irish twins - I only wish you could both be here on earth. You definitely bring joy and healing to our lives... and it will be such an adventure to have a little girl!<br />
<br />
We love you so very much,<br />
<br />
Momma, Papa, Judah, and Theodore<br />
<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-236850837959521902015-01-31T15:36:00.000-06:002015-02-16T15:57:35.281-06:00Dear Theodore {7 months}Seven months old - 1/23/2015<br />
<br />
Dear Theodore,<br />
<br />
I'm three weeks late writing this, you would actually be almost eight months old by now. Let's just say it's been a crazy month. Cue mom guilt.<br />
<br />
Month seven was a hard one. It contained Christmas without you, and a New Year without you. On your six month birthday we were in Oregon, and it was hard to be away from home, unable to do some things that we usually do on your birthdays like visiting your little grave. Two days later, it was Christmas. I am glad, I think, that we were able to be away for Christmas... I think it would have been pretty miserable for everyone at home. I'm glad especially for Judah's sake that we were surrounded by family and uncles to keep him busy and having fun. However, I hardly remember much about Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after. I couldn't sleep at night, and I had a terrible headache... it was partly from having a cold, but I know it was a grief headache. It was my body's way of grieving. I remember sobbing for a good hour when I woke up Christmas morning and saw your empty stocking alongside our full ones. I had no idea what a trigger that would be... I went and got your blue giraffey and put him in your stocking. Then I wiped my tears away and tried to enjoy the day for Judah. My headache stuck to me like glue, no matter what medicine or naps I took to get it to go away.<br />
<br />
We said goodbye to family and flew back to Kansas City on New Year's Eve. On New Year's Day, we had our own little family Christmas celebration. This time I was a little more prepared, I had bought some sweet little baby toys and I stuffed your stocking with them. Judah delighted in pulling them all out for you. I had planned to donate them, but I just couldn't part with them... and Judah attached himself to several of them, so we will keep them for your baby sister.<br />
<br />
After the New Year, I was so worn out from heavy grief and being away from home, it was like my body needed a couple of weeks to recover. Facing a new year without you - I think it was all just too much for a little while there. 2014 was hard to say goodbye to because it's your year - the year that I carried you and gave birth to you. 2015 is a year that you don't live on this earth. The first couple of weeks of the year are kind of hazy to me, I wasn't functioning very well and I think Judah watched too much Netflix. Cue mom guilt again. But then I found my feet again, just in time for your 7-month birthday. I started taking care of myself - eating better, going to a holistic chiropractor for my aching out-of-whack body, and exercising again. One of the things that has struck me on this grief journey is the importance of looking after yourself - your body, mind and soul. When I neglect any one of those areas, I struggle much more with every day life and the heaviness of grief.<br />
<br />
On your birthday, we picked up seven blue balloons and let them go with your seven-month sticker and we visited your little grave. Judah gets a balloon too, and he always wants to let it go with your balloons. I know they don't really go up to heaven, but it's a helpful symbol to me of "letting go" each month and letting God carry my dreams for you. We got little matching windchimes, one is at your grave, and the other hangs above my kitchen sink. I ring it and think of you often.<br />
<br />
I'm never sure when I start these letters to you what they are going to be like. Since I am writing this later on I'm able to look back and comprehend a little of what I was going through during your seventh month in heaven. I'm just so glad that you don't feel any of this - you are whole and perfect and there is no empty spot in your heart that misses me or life on this earth.<br />
<br />
A dear friend, and deeply bereaved mother, sent me this quote a few weeks ago:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she is, but she is not, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity." - Anonymous</div>
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<br /></div>
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A part of me is elsewhere, with you in heaven, until we meet there again. It is part of my identity now, and it is not easy to live without a part of your heart every day. I know it will grow less painful but it will always be with me, because you are not here. It's part of life on this earth - it will never be perfect because this is not our home... and never have I longed for home more.</div>
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<br /></div>
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We love you Theodore. I can just picture your chubby seven-month-old self delighting the hosts of heaven... though I wish you were here to delight us.<br />
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<br /></div>
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Love, Momma, Papa, Judah, and baby sister</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
<br /><!--3--><!--3--></div>
Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-33275359634018312482014-12-23T15:39:00.000-06:002015-02-16T15:40:03.686-06:00Dear Theodore {6 months}<div>
12/23/2014 - Six months in heaven </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Dear Theodore,<br />
<br />
Today you would be six months old here on earth. We are in Oregon for Christmas right now, and when your big brother Judah was exactly six months old we came for a visit here as well. I can so vividly picture him rolling around and doing his army crawl on Grandma Driver's living room floor, giggling and practicing his new clapping skill. He had his first major bump here too - he was sitting up and he toppled over and bumped his forehead on the fireplace. I remember feeling like such a terrible mother to have let that happen to my sweet little baby! What I would give for the chance to see you roll around on the floor at our feet and giggle and clap your hands... to kiss your "owies" better and wipe away your tears, my Theodore.<br />
<br />
It is wonderful to be here with family, but there are so many reminders of what should have been. Judah is having the time of his life with his uncles and grandparents and you should be here too, meeting everyone and delighting them with your chubby smiles. The airplane ride here was so easy - Judah loved it. But I kept thinking... this should be more complicated. I should be carrying you in my Boba carrier while keeping track of hand luggage and Judah. I should be balancing you in my lap, nursing you during takeoff while I reassured Judah that the loud noise and funny feeling as we lifted off was normal. Missing you goes so deep, so wide, and so far. I feel it in every part of me, and in every part of my life. It's always with me, wherever I go... to Oregon, or to the ends of the earth.<br />
<br />
On Sunday in church there was a sweet little baby accross the aisle, peacefully sleeping as the service went on. I ached to hold your sweet sleeping self. Judah was happy and singing along to the Christmas carols - there was a children's choir that sang a few songs, and he was dancing around and wanting to be up there with them. It was so cute, but my arms just felt so empty... I wondered what it would be like for you to be squirming in my arms, watching your big brother dance around and getting excited with him. And then, just as the congregational singing ended, Judah very uncharacteristically fell asleep in my arms. His face was squished up against me and he looked six months old again. He slept for the whole sermon and I couldn't tear my eyes from his precious face. God knew that I needed to hold a sleeping baby. It wasn't you asleep in my lap, but it helped.<br />
<br />
The tiny flutters of your little brother or sister in my belly remind me that I was exactly this pregnant with you last Christmas... wondering what you would look like, and how you would change our family. I still wonder what you would look like now at six months old, and I'm still finding out how you've changed our family. This month I've found it hard to be content. I've found myself feeling like God is a puppet master in the sky... carelessly pulling on strings and jerking our lives around. How could he take our son?<br />
<br />
But... how did He give His son? Knowing what would happen to him here on earth... knowing the frailty of human life, the hardships that he would suffer and the ultimate sacrifice he would make for all humanity. Still He sent Jesus to earth in the form of a tiny helpless baby, forsaking all of His infinite power, to suffer and to save the world. Christmas is the beginning of the still-unfolding story in which death itself gets killed. One day there will be no more death - no more perfect, sweet little babies will die an inexplicable death. This world is so broken, never have I felt it more than I do now. But no matter how wrong and disjointed and unbearable this world seems... one day, all will be set right. We will see you again, my son. Because God gave His son.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Bless all the dear children in thy tender care</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And take us to heaven to live with Thee there"</div>
<br />
Six months ago today you were born into our arms for a few short hours, though your soul was in heaven. You were already in God's tender care. We love you, Theodore, and we miss you so much this Christmas. Sleep in heavenly peace, my sweet baby.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Momma, Papa, Judah, and Baby #3<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-13662914807529065932014-11-30T16:34:00.000-06:002014-12-01T16:46:09.859-06:00Dear Theodore {5 months}11/23/2014 - Five months in heaven<br />
<br />
Dear Theodore,<br />
<br />
I can't believe it's almost been half a year since you were born into heaven. This month has been rough. I can't point to one reason exactly. The weather is getting colder - the cold and the dreariness are not good for my psyche in a normal year... and this year is far from normal. The start of the holiday season, which was meant to be so different. Time is just marching along with no regard for the ache in my heart. The world is changing and moving on, holidays and birthdays are happening without you and it's been so hard for me over the past few weeks.<br />
<br />
At five months old, Judah had just figured out how to sit up. He was so fat and roly-poly and delightful. I just love this age. We are missing out on the thousand little joys that you would be giving us each day. The precious little giggles, the chubby snuggles, and the cute little things you would be doing. There is grief in every part of our day, because you are absent. Sometimes it's easier for me to see God's hand in our grief... the grace and the mercy and the purposes that I know to be true. Other days it is hard to claw my way out of the depths of missing you, and this month has had many of those days.<br />
<br />
I'm a week late writing this, because I just couldn't bring myself to. It's an acknowledgement of the passing of time. With Judah, it was a mixture of joy and a little twinge of sadness that he was growing older each time I wrote an update. Your monthly letters are much more sorrowful - I wish they could be happier for you. I think another reason this month has been so difficult is that you wouldn't be a newborn anymore at five months old - and all I know of you is as a brand new baby. Giving birth to you and pulling your little body up to my chest... and the six short hours that I got to hold you. I never got to see you grow any older. The further we get from your birth, the harder it is to imagine what you would look like now. And oh, that is hard for a momma's heart.<br />
<br />
Perhaps another reason this month has been difficult is that I am now ten weeks pregnant with your little sibling. I will write down the whole story soon. This is such a joyous thing, but it comes with plenty of hormones and anxiety. The day we went in for our first ultrasound, I had no idea of the terror that would grip my heart as the tech searched for a little heartbeat. The last ultrasound I had was when they told me you were gone. I grieve for the blessed innocence that I had when I was pregnant with you and Judah. I will never again take for granted the beautiful sound of a heartbeat.<br />
<br />
Judah has gone through a cognitive development leap recently, and he is grieving for you on a new level. He grasps what has happened even more deeply and is often sad that you are not here. We are flying to Oregon in a few weeks for Christmas, and the other day he looked at me and asked seriously "When we go on the airplane up in the sky, will we find baby Theodore? And he can come with us?". One of the hardest things as a parent is when you cannot protect your children from things that hurt them. Judah misses you so much, and I wish he didn't have to. He is very protective of baby #3, and often asks "Can this baby come home with us, Mama? Will he play toys with me?". It breaks my heart into a million pieces that he is worried about this new little one at the tender young age of two.<br />
<br />
Theodore, we miss you so much. I'm not sure how to celebrate this holiday season without you. I am trying for Judah's sake. We put up our Christmas tree in mid-November to try and bring in some Christmas warmth and cheer. We got a beautiful gold star for the top of the tree for you, my bright star. A dear, sweet lady is making a Christmas stocking for you to match ours. I have read and been warned about the difficulty of the holiday season after loss. I thought I was prepared for it, and that it would be all right. Goodness, I was wrong.<br />
<br />
Sweet baby boy, I am so glad you are spared the torment that we feel being separated from you. So grateful that you are in perfect peace. The miracle of Christmas is close to my heart this year. A little baby, sent to save the world from sin. In many ways, I feel that you are our own little miracle, given to us for many reasons. Some we have seen already, and many yet to be revealed. It is helpful to be able to see God's purposes, but it does not make loosing you any easier. In my broken humanity, I would trade it all in a second to have you in my arms.<br />
<br />
Theodore Robert, our perfect little one. Happy five months in heaven. Though I know time means nothing there, the passage of time here is significant. Each month I have to release my dreams of you a little more, heal a little more, breathe a little more. We love you so much. We go through this holiday season, and life, as a family of five now. One sweet boy in our arms, one sweet boy in heaven, and one little one cradled inside me.<br />
<br />
All our love,<br />
<br />
Momma, Papa, Judah, and Baby #3<br />
<br />
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<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-32651913206742997222014-10-28T16:26:00.001-05:002014-10-28T16:27:26.344-05:00Dear Theodore {4 months}10/23/2014 - 4 months in heaven<br />
<br />
Dear Theodore,<br />
<br />
This fourth month since losing you has been strange. So busy and full of new and fun things. We are living life fully - busy fall days full of playdates and MOPS and errands and cooking and playing and eating. It's just like I imagined this fall season to be, but... so very opposite.<br />
<br />
The busyness of this month has not allowed me to really stop and process things. I can tell when I need to slow down and take some time to reflect and really allow myself to grieve... and this month there have been too many days where I have ignored this feeling. It's not good for me to stuff grief down because it just comes out in other ways. It is hard to find a balance. Perhaps the hardest thing is that it is even necessary that I have to find a balance between involving myself in life and grieving the loss of you. You should be here, part of all the busyness... giving us those moments of joy that instead we are missing out on each day.<br />
<br />
I have felt a little dry this month - usually words flow freely and I am able to express myself. I seem to have reached a point in my grief journey where things are hard to express, and I've had to come to accept that. It's the awkward in-between... that will be awkward and in-between until we meet again. I'm no longer in the hazy grief fog that enveloped me for the first couple of months, but the grief is still very much there... because you are very much not here. Life is more clear, and though this sometimes makes the pain sharper, I am also more able to involve myself in things and enjoy them. I'm not sure how to proceed other than to keep walking and trusting that God will lead me down this path between grief and acceptance. It is not a straight path... it's curled and twisted and spiralling. It does not have an end, at least not here on earth.<br />
<br />
I have nothing profound to say today. Just that I miss you, my little boy. I ache to hold your chubby little self... to see you smile, to hear you interact with Judah, to nurse you in the middle of the night. I wish I knew how it felt to lug you around in your car seat whilst keeping track of Judah. I wish you could have come to the pumpkin patch and apple picking with us. I know you are living with the fullest joy in heaven... but I still wish you were here with us.<br />
<br />
We love you, Theodore. Happy four-months-in-heaven. Every day for you is the greatest celebration of life... knowing that gives me peace.<br />
<br />
~ Momma, Papa, and Judah<br />
<br />
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<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-41828337278953796202014-09-25T19:39:00.000-05:002014-09-25T19:39:01.479-05:00Dear Judah {31 months}Dear Judah,<br />
<br />
You are growing up so fast. Every moment has become more precious to me since we lost your little brother. I want to be present with you, which is both easy and hard at the same time. Easy because you are such a joy to be with. Hard because I miss little Theodore and also need time to grieve for him. Although I do not have my two children here on earth... I still have two children, and somehow I must learn to mother them both in very different ways.<br />
<br />
I've always been dedicated to writing down your little life on this blog. These are the things I dreamed of writing for Theodore, too... little milestones and funny sayings. It seems all the more important now. And so I will double my efforts to record your precious life alongside my grief.<br />
<br />
I want to remember the funny little things that you do, and the hilarious things that you say. I've been trying to take more videos of you so we can go back and listen to your cute little voice and way of talking.<br />
<br />
I want to remember...<br />
<br />
- Our little backseat driver (thanks for that, Papa!) - "Papa/Mama, drive with two hands!" "It's raining, turn the swish-swishes on!" "Red light, stop! Green light, go!". You are very safety conscious in general - you will tell us to be careful with sharp knives etc. Whenever I take my vitamins you say emphatically "Those medicines are NOT for Judah! Only for Mama" (you are a good listener!). When you climb up on a chair (you usually do not like heights) you say "I have to be berry berry [very very] careful!".<br />
<br />
- You love to be outside and help Papa mow the lawn with your little lawnmower, or help him dig/rake with your own miniature tools. You spent a lot of time this summer in your kiddie pool - you are a little water baby. We took you to swim lessons this summer too, which you loved. You have very sensitive eyes to chlorine so we will have to get you some goggles to help you be more comfortable with going under water.<br />
<br />
- You got to go to your first VBS this summer while Momma and Nana helped out!<br />
<br />
- The way you say specific words.... little - "luh-dull", firetruck - "fiyah-trrrrruck", vacuum - "veck-yoom" (you sound very South African sometimes!), rescue "rec-skyoo". You don't have the "y" sound down very well yet, especially in words with "l's" - words like wheel come out like "wee-lul", squeal is "skwee-lul", tail is "tay-lul" and yellow is "leh-low"... it's kind of adorable. Sandwich - "swam-ich"<br />
<br />
- You picked up Nana's proper British sayings like "Shall we... go outside/have lunch/play toys?"<br />
<br />
- Your incredible imagination... you make up entire worlds that you play in. Sometimes it's dinosaurs... sometimes they are chasing you, and other times they are your friends and you run around with them. Or the media cupboard that you like to hide in becomes an airplane or a rocket ship and you go on long trips to visit a far-away grandparent or the moon. It also turns into a firetruck and you go around "rec-skyoo-ing" people. You have little imaginary friends who live in our air vents... you talk to them and give them imaginary food and water (although one time I caught you about to put some real food down the air vent in our living room...). Sometimes you get them out of the air vent and you "carry" them around in your hand. Your toy cars and trucks go on epic journeys across the living room floor. You pretend to be a dog, mouse, elephant, cow, lion, kangaroo etc. You make us coffee with your "coffee machine", and we have to "drink" it. And you make bread with your "bread machine", detailing each ingredient - flour, yeast, water, salt etc. You also make us "pancakes" all the time (and ask for them every meal). Your imagination is limitless... we love listening to you talk to yourself over the video monitor when you wake up in the mornings, or when you are going to bed.<br />
<br />
- When you are in an imaginary world, you will only respond to your imaginary name. If you are pretending to be a cow and I call you Judah, you say "No mama! I'm not a Judah. I'm a little cow!" ... and I have to call you "little cow" instead... same goes for pretending to be a fire man, dinosaur, Harry (from your dinosaur show) etc.<br />
<br />
- Conversation example: "Mama I brought you a chocolate money [chocolate coin]! Here, eat it!"... "Oh yummy, thanks Judah!"... (I put the imaginary chocolate in my mouth and pretend to chew)... "NO Mama! You have to take the peel [wrapper] off first!"... (so I take the imaginary wrapper off the imaginary coin and eat it)... "Wasn't that delicious, Mama?!"... "Yes, thank you Judah!"<br />
<br />
- You love to sing songs, and you have quite the repertoire.... Jesus Loves Me, Old MacDonald, Let it Go (sigh), Zacchaeus Was a Wee Little Man, Rolled Away, Deep and Wide, The Wise Man<br />
<br />
- The way to talk about and remember Theodore is so precious to us. Sometimes you talk about him when you are lying in bed, and we listen over the monitor. You talk about him when you are playing with your toys. You ask about him when you notice I'm sad. You say things like "Baby brother came out of mama's tummy. He died. He went to heaven to live with Jesus"... "I gave him hugs and kisses! He is so cute! He has little tiny hands and little tiny feet"... "I miss baby Theodore, he come play toys?"... "I go to heaven and play with baby brother? They have firetrucks there! They go mee-maw mee-maw!"... "Mama sad, she miss baby Theodore?". When you weaned back in December at 22 months, I told you the milk was all gone, but that when baby brother was born there would be more milk for him. I expressed/pumped and donated milk for two months after Theodore was born, and you would say "Mama got more milk! It's for baby brother. We give it to him?"... and I would explain to you that Theodore doesn't need it because he is in heaven and instead we were giving it to other little babies who needed it. That seemed to comfort you, but you were still puzzled as to why baby brother wasn't getting his milk. I don't blame you... it's all very puzzling to our human minds that Theodore didn't get to come home with us.<br />
<br />
- You have grown up so much in the past two+ months since Theodore went to heaven. I wish a million times to infinity that you could be brothers here on earth, but who knows what God has planned for you through the death of your brother. You have had to grasp things that no two-and-a-half year old should have to even think about. But it has been beautiful... you are learning about Jesus. You are learning about sin and about our Savior. You are learning that this world is not our forever home. Your little brother has given you this gift<br />
<br />
- You just LOVE babies and want to touch their little hands and feet, give them hugs and kisses, make them smile and laugh etc. Whenever we see a baby anywhere you get so excited and want to go over and see them. "Mama look at that cute little baby! He's so tiny! His Mama loves him, and his Papa loves him! And they are holding him! I want to go see him. He will laugh at Judah!..." (and so on... the kid talks in paragraphs these days!). I am so glad that we have friends with babies that you can love on and interact with. One day, Lord willing, you will be a wonderful big brother to a sibling here on earth.<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Judah William, we are so proud of you. Your bright little mind, your sensitive little soul, and your tender little heart. We love you, oh so much. You are a balm to our empty arms and aching hearts.<br />
<br />
~ Momma and Papa<br />
<br />
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<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-1701056031560071192014-09-23T14:29:00.001-05:002014-09-26T16:12:02.037-05:00Dear Theodore {3 months}09/23/2014<br />
<br />
My sweet Theodore,<br />
<br />
In the earliest days after loosing you, I would cling to the hope that in a few weeks... a few months... maybe the raw pain would subside a little, maybe each minute would not be so painstaking. Those first few days the grief was so enormous, it engulfed my body. All I longed to do was to rock you, but all I could do was to rock with silent sobs. Then came some numbness. Perhaps it was my mind protecting itself. I still could not function in normal life... even the thought of making Judah a sandwich for lunch was too much. I walked around in a daze for a week or two. It was as if I was on an anesthetic to numb the sensation of grief, and it numbed all other sensations as well. I once heard grief explained as a big fiery ball - intense and enormous. The only way to deal with it is to enter into the raw pain of the fire and experience the feelings to their fullest. This is the only way to make the fire ball smaller, to keep it from consuming you. And so in small increments I weaned myself from the anesthetic... I knew I had to walk through my grief, but I could only take it in small doses, one aspect at a time. And slowly, I came back to life. It was not a life I wanted to come back to. I wanted to come back to life with you. Life as a family of four on earth. The blissful early days of newborness.<br />
<br />
It took enormous will power just to get out of bed in the morning. I would do battle with myself... longing to curl up and never face the world, yet knowing I had Judah who needed me and a life to live here on earth. Gradually it became less of a battle to get out of bed, a little less daunting to go out into the world. I don't know how I would have done it without knowing Judah needed me, and my mom there to give me nudges in the right direction (and many cups of tea). And now here we are - three months from your heavenly birthday... living life. I go grocery shopping, try to keep the house in order, try to keep us all fed and healthy. We go to the gym, to playdates, to MOPS, to church. I carry you with me always in my heart. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing. There will never be a time when I don't.<br />
<br />
This life without you, as heartbreaking as it is, carries a whole new meaning for me. I used to be afraid of death, before you. It was so foreign to me. And then, you died inside of me right before you were born. I grew you from a single cell - I was your life force, providing you with everything you needed to grow from a tiny cell to a beautiful 9lb 12oz baby boy. The God-breathed process of creating life is just incredible. Because I was so intergral in your life (and I truly believe that you LIVED from the moment you were conceived), your death wrenched from me a part of my own life. A part of me is now in heaven - you, my son. Three months ago today as I labored and gave birth to you, God's presence was tangible in the room. It felt as though we were on hallowed ground. I was giving birth to a heaven-born baby. And I can no longer live as though this world is my home, which was all too easy to do before you died. I no longer fear death. I long for heaven. And I must live for God's glory while I'm on this earth. <b>This is how it should be, and you gave me this gift, my son.</b> You are living in His very presence, and there is no greater reminder to live for Him than having a part of my heart in heaven.<br />
<br />
I don't pretend to understand it at all. There are still days when it is the hardest thing in the world to drag my body out of bed. There are still days that I have to enter into that fiery ball of grief and allow myself to deeply feel the pain in order to heal. And even on the good days, there is always a sadness, a constant sense that you are not here. We have seen such goodness, such love, such blessings already come to us through the loss of you, Theodore. Our marriage and our family life are so much richer and deeper because of you. Never have I valued and appreciated things to the extent I do now. I have more patience, deeper joy, greater faith... and such bright hope. Theodore Robert, "God's shining gift", you have brought so much to our family. What I don't understand, and never will on this earth, is this: God is all powerful - he could have brought these good things, these blessings to us and to others in another way - why did it have to be through the death of you, my precious son? Isaiah 55:8-9 "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." His ways are higher... His ways are higher.<br />
<br />
<b>It resonates deep within me that you were appointed for a time, my Theodore.</b> Ecclesiastes 3:1-2,4 "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven... A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance." You were given to us for a time. The time for your birth and the time for your death were devastatingly intertwined. These are the things for which understanding comes only in the context of eternity with our Savior. Your perfect chubby little body, your long fingers and toes, your perfectly curled little ears... you were completely formed and ready to enter our family. You were absolutely healthy, but for a freak accident - a blood vessel in the placenta coming from you started bleeding and you bled out. But I believe that God appointed your every moment - your life on earth was full in His eyes. You now live the fullest life possible with Him for eternity. And you have enriched my life beyond measure. Everything is different now. Weeping and laughing, mourning and dancing inexplicably woven together... sorrow is deep but joy is deeper. This world is more beautiful, and heaven is breathtaking. Words are more profound... love, joy, peace, and HOPE. <b>We cannot make sense of suffering on this earth. T</b><b>his is our time to abide in love for one another and persevere with joy... knowing full well the time of no more suffering, no more tears, no more pain is coming.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Today, on your three-months-in-heaven birthday, I think back to the day you were born. The solid weight of you, my son. The musky sweet newborn smell. The utterly precious rolls and chub. The feel of you cradled in my arms, held out in front of me, laying up on my shoulder with your legs tucked under and your little bottom sticking out. I wanted to hold you in every way a mama holds her baby, because I knew I would only hold you once. The sight of you in your Papa's big strong arms... arms that longed to fix everything and protect his family... arms that longed to carry you home. The precious meeting of two brothers who would never get to share a room or fight over their toys. <b>The beautiful hours we spent with your perfect little body are forever imprinted in my memory, with a constant longing for more time with you, my Theodore.</b> I cannot help but wonder what you would look like at three months old - the smiles and giggles and coos that you would be giving us.<br />
<br />
Lord, help us. Help us live this life You have given us here on earth. Hold Theodore for us - hold him in Your everlasting arms. Help us in our time of grief and give us strength to live with hope until the time of rejoicing - when You will hand us our darling little boy for eternity with You.<br />
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Sweet little Theodore. Mama misses you. Papa misses you. Judah misses you. Your big brother includes you in every day life as he plays... "Mama I going in my firetruck now, with Papa and baby Theodore and tubby bear." It warms my heart while simultaneously breaking it. <b>You will always be a part of our life, it will always hurt to miss you and I would not have it any other way.</b><br />
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We love you, precious boy<br />
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Mama, Papa, and Judah<br />
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We marveled at his perfect little self.</div>
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I just adore his squishy chubby little face.</div>
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<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-84075711781139591672014-08-24T12:21:00.000-05:002014-09-26T16:15:16.863-05:00Dear Theodore {2 months}<div dir="ltr">
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Dear Theodore,</div>
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Today is your two-months-in-heaven birthday. I know you are rejoicing and praising Jesus - life is perfect and wonderful for you... what more could a mother want for her child? My greatest prayer and desire for my children will always be that they know Jesus. And you are in His very presence - you know Him better than any of us.</div>
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Life is a little harder for us left behind here on earth. We miss you so much. You would be two months old now, smiling and delighting us. I often wonder how you and Judah would have interacted... I imagine him being silly to entertain you and giving you endless hugs and kisses just like he did when I carried you for nine months. Everything I do is a reminder of the absence of you. Every time we go somewhere I feel like we're missing something because you're not with us. Our life is too simple. You're not here... joyfully complicating our lives with another squirmy little one to get ready, another car seat to buckle, a double stroller to lug around. I know that as time goes by, this sharp ache will grow duller. But it will never go away - you are my child and I will miss you until I see you again.</div>
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This month we finished putting away all of your baby things. We put a few things away immediately, but the rest took me a while. The house feels too big now - it's supposed to be cluttered with swings and bouncy seats and play mats. I should be tripping over your pack n play when I climb out of bed. But mainly the house feels too big because there's a whole person missing. You.</div>
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Two months... my mind cannot grasp the nature of time. On one level I can hardly believe it's only been two months. It feels like a lifetime ago that you were born. A lifetime that we have been living with this grief of missing you. And then again it feels like you were born yesterday... I can still feel the weight of you in my arms. I can still smell your precious baby smell and feel your soft skin. You are in heaven... perfectly whole and happy, but my selfish human mama's heart just wishes you were in my arms. The loss and grief is ours to bear. I am so glad that you do not, and will not ever feel this pain.</div>
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We have been so blessed to have your Grandma and your Nana be with us here over the past few months. Your Grandma was here the last few weeks I was pregnant with you and when you were born. I was on bedrest and she kept our home running. Grandma met you and held you, and got us through that first terrible, heartbreaking week. She put together your whole memorial service. It was beautiful. When Grandma left a week after your birth, your Nana arrived the same day. Nana has been here with us and helped us get through things like picking up your ashes, putting away your baby things, your little burial service on your one-month-in-heaven birthday... and just adjusting to life without you. Your Grandma and Nana's time with us was supposed to be helping us welcome you into this world and adjust to our new life as a family of four. Instead they have looked after us and held us together when we were falling to pieces. Nana leaves in a couple of days, and we will have yet another adjustment to make - back to "real" life. Such a different life than we thought we would be living just two months ago.<br />
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Theodore Robert... our precious son... oh, how we love you. It is the hardest thing in the world to be a parent to a child in heaven - our hearts long to be there with you but we know we are here on earth for a reason, and so we must stay here. Your big brother Judah has been the light of our lives even more so the past two months. He delights us with his imagination and his antics. He is growing up so fast and we love seeing his personality and his character develop. We are so thankful to have him to hold and love here on earth. Somehow we must find a way to love you from afar. It brings such deeper meaning to Hebrews 13:14 "This world is not our home...". I long for the day in heaven when we get to meet you and learn all about you. And that glorious day of Christ's return, when our whole family will be together again...<br />
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Hold him for us, dear Lord. And hold us, too.<br />
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We love you, Theodore.<br />
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~ Momma, Papa, and Judah<br />
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Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-3539374704874583382014-07-27T15:18:00.000-05:002015-09-26T22:05:17.866-05:00Theodore Robert's birth story, part 1<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;"><u>Labor, delivery, and meeting our precious son</u></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">Theodore Robert Congdon, 9lbs 12oz, 20 inches long, was born straight into Jesus’ arms at 8:46pm on the 23rd of June, 2014. He was absolutely perfect from head to toe - so chubby and squishy and delightful. Oh, how I wish I could have heard him cry lustily as he was born. How I wish I could have laid there with him in my arms, listening to his newborn snuffles as he nursed and smelling his sweet newborn breath. How I wish I could have seen his eyes open and take the world in. I will forever wonder… what color were his eyes? Would he be even chubbier than his big brother was as a baby? What would he have been like at the boisterous age of two and a half like Judah is now? I was so looking forward to watching them grow up as brothers. And Judah was so excited about “baby brother in mama’s tummy”... I almost think he had the closest relationship with Theodore in the womb. He talked to him and kissed him and hugged him constantly throughout my pregnancy. I hurt for his loss. He misses his baby brother and cannot always express himself. He knows something is missing from our lives. We all feel the weight of it...</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">Theodore will always be a part of our family… I want to write about him and remember him, just like I’ve done with Judah on this blog. Writing is the best way I know to express myself and it helps me to process things. So, I’ll start with the story of his birth. It’s not a story with a happy ending in the worldly sense - our baby did not come home with us. But at the same time, it does have a happy ending - our precious son is in heaven and we will see him again. And even though we only met his earthly body, it was still a joyful meeting. I labored and worked hard to bring him into the world just like we had always planned. We got to marvel over his perfect little self. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">The whole day still seems almost like a dream to me - so surreal and yet also so very REAL. Sometimes it's too much and my mind just cannot comprehend what happened - did we really have a baby who now lives in heaven? Did this really happen to us? More often, though, my mind takes me back to that day vividly and it fills my whole being with sorrow and and with joy. We met our son, and our arms ache for him... sorrow. We met our son, and he is in HEAVEN... joy everlasting. The whole day and night at the birth center, we felt the incredibly tangible presence of God. He was there, in that room with us, carrying us. He provided compassionate, wonderful midwives and nurses to pray with us and grieve with us. He was there when we were broken into a million pieces at the reality of our son's death. He was there when I was laboring in agony. He was there when our beautiful baby boy was placed in our arms. He was there as we marveled over him. And He was there when we had to say goodbye. It was a sacred day.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">{I gave a warning at the beginning of </span><a href="http://congdonchronicles.blogspot.com/2012/03/judah-william-birth-story.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Judah’s birth story</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> post, too… this is a birth story so if that kind of thing makes you squeamish, just be aware!}</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">I went into early labor on Sunday night, the 22nd of June. I had been having prodromal labor for weeks, so I was reluctant to believe I was actually in labor. The contractions never went away though, and I was awake breathing through them for most of the night. I wanted to put off going to the birth center until morning if I could, so that Judah could sleep through the night before we woke him. At 7am on Monday, we headed out to the birth center and our sweet friend Alicia met us there to pick up Judah. I was excited, but subdued at the same time - I wanted so desperately to be in labor and have a baby… but I was still not convinced this was true labor. I was taken back to the triage room and my midwife, Sarah, checked me. I was 4-5cm dilated. Then she looked for the baby’s heartbeat… and she couldn’t find it. After several minutes I was getting a little nervous. She heard cord sounds but never a heartbeat. She decided to move us to the ultrasound to look for his heartbeat. I think at that point, as much denial as I was in, I knew that my sweet baby was gone. His heartbeat had always been strong and easy to find. Thomas said he just knew then too. I started thinking about the last time I felt him move, and a horrible feeling spread through my body when I couldn’t remember exactly… sometime yesterday? During the night I had so many contractions and I thought he was just resting...</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">As I lay on the table in the ultrasound room, Sarah, Whitney, and then finally Cathy tried to find baby’s heartbeat. I begged God “Please, just let us hear a heartbeat” but the silence was deafening. Eventually Cathy pointed to the screen and said “I’m really sorry - this is your baby’s heart, and it is not beating”. At that moment it was like I left my body. I couldn’t feel anything. Thomas and someone else helped me sit up, and we moved to a triage room. The midwives left us alone for a few minutes, and we just sat there on the bed. I was still numb and in shock - I kept saying “I don’t know what to do”. It truly felt like I was in a dream - a nightmare, just watching this all happen to someone else. I thought to myself “This is not real. I need to wake up, right now. I need to wake up.” I think it was more real to Thomas at this point. I just could not believe that my sweet, lovingly anticipated baby who I had been carrying so close for nine months was actually gone.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">Soon the midwives came back in and gently discussed our options with us. Since I was in labor and 4-5cm dilated, I could stay and have the baby at the birth center, or I could go to a hospital and give birth there or have a c-section. I could hardly even think, let alone make a decision, but I knew I wanted to give birth to my baby how I had planned to give birth for the whole pregnancy - a natural childbirth in a peaceful environment. So, we decided to stay at the birth center. We were officially checked in and taken to the birthing room that we had chosen, decorated in soft blues and golds. I don’t think I can even express how surreal these moments felt. It was when we walked into that room, the room in which we were supposed to welcome our baby boy into our lives, that I was hit with the reality of what was going to happen. Our sweet baby boy was not going to come home with us. We would welcome his little body into our arms and then say our goodbyes… my heart shattered and I just sobbed. The midwife, Sarah, sat and cried and prayed with us. We all clung to each other.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">We had struggled with finding a name for our sweet baby the entire pregnancy. We were planning on waiting until we met him to decide for sure. As we sat there in the birthing room, devastated, we both immediately just knew what his name would be - Theodore Robert Congdon. It was perfect for him.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">We knew the next step was to call our parents and let them know the terrible news - their grandson, our little Theodore Robert, would not live on this earth. Thomas’s mom was visiting family in Oregon so she was the easiest to reach, and she said she would try to get hold of Thomas’s father in South Sudan. We called my mom in Kenya on Skype, and she quickly went to find my dad and tell him. Every phone call we made, the situation became more real. I felt so heavy with sadness, tears just flowed freely. Our parents spread the news to family and friends, and we had people all over the world praying for us throughout the day… and in the weeks to come.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">We decided to go outside and walk to help my labor progress, so we went out into the quiet back parking lot amongst the trees and walked… talked… cried… prayed. It was a beautifully cool day for the middle of summer, with hardly any humidity. As time went on and the fact that our sweet baby was gone became more real, we kept thinking of things like… we have to bury our child - who does that at the age of 25? Where will we bury him? All of his baby things at home… how will we face them? How are we going to tell our excited 2 and ½ year old that his little brother, who he already loved so much, was gone? Every morning Judah would climb into bed and snuggle with me and baby brother and say things like “Baby brother is so cute! I love him. He come out now? I want to play toys with him!” while patting my belly... and often during the day he would come up and give baby brother hugs and kisses and talk to him. How do we explain death and heaven to him? How are we supposed to face life now… a life that will always be missing our Theodore, until heaven? It was all so overwhelming and we prayed for grace and strength and wisdom to just take it one step at a time.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">After walking for a while, we returned to the little back patio outside the birth center, surrounded by trees. My parents called again on Skype and cried and prayed with us. We all prayed for a fast and easy labor, as it seemed things were moving fairly slowly. God knew what he was doing, though. We went back inside and I kept walking around the room and rocking on the birth ball - my contractions stayed about 5 minutes apart and were very manageable. Time seemed to pass so quickly - every time I looked at the clock I was surprised, it was always later than I had thought. Around midday, Whitney checked me again and I was 5-6 cm dilated. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">The birth center had arranged for a doula to come and be with us - Heidi Faith. She has been through her own loss and her whole ministry now helps women going through pregnancy and infant loss. She arrived around midday, and I (once again) burst into tears when she came in and gently took my hands and met me in my grief. Heidi was amazing - we could not have managed without her, and I mean that to the very core of my being. She was the hands and feet of Jesus to us that day. She prayed with us and helped us process what was going to happen as we labored and delivered our son, and helped prepare us for saying goodbye to him. As my labor progressed, she always knew exactly what to do to comfort me and alleviate some of the pain.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">We knew we wanted Judah to come back to spend a little time as a family before Theodore arrived, and to try and gently explain to him what was going to happen when his baby brother was born. Alicia brought him to the birth center around 2pm in the afternoon, while my contractions were still very manageable, and we took some family pictures with us all snuggled on the bed. We told Judah that mama was going to have baby brother today, and that he would only be with us for a little bit… and then he was going to go to heaven and live with Jesus. We knew he was already with Jesus, but this felt like the best way to explain it to a 2 year old. We told Judah that he would come back and meet baby Theodore when he was born and he could give him kisses. We snuggled and talked for a bit, and then Judah went back with Alicia. He was having a wonderful time with his little friend Laurel (Alicia’s daughter)... he was excited to go back and play with her. It was such a relief for us to know he was in good hands and that he was having a fun day - we could focus on giving birth to our precious second born son without worrying about our first born.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">After Judah left, we tried to get my labor going by walking and rocking on the birth ball some more, but my contractions never gained intensity. I was feeling discouraged, thinking that maybe my body just was not cooperating because of the emotional turmoil we were going through. At 4pm the midwives suggested breaking my water and I agreed, knowing that was what caused my quick labor with Judah. After a quick prayer and some deep calming breathing (because I knew from experience things were about to get much more intense), Whitney broke my water. Instantly the contractions were much more painful - my “cushion” was gone. I labored hard for a couple of hours. I had a birthing ball up on the side of the bed and would stand and lean into it during contractions, with one leg up on the bed. I would do lunges like this through the contractions to manage the pain and to try and get Theodore to move down. Thomas and Heidi took turns doing the hip press - pushing into my hip bones through a contraction, which also helped me manage the pain. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">Theodore was not moving down enough to push on my cervix and dilate it the whole way. A stillborn baby does not “help” you give birth like an alive baby does - they do not wiggle and turn or push with their legs, so my body was having to work a lot harder. Whitney had me push through a few contractions to move him down. She suggested we use Cytotec to dilate my cervix the rest of the way - but I was apprehensive. I knew I would have to lay down on my side for the medicine to work on my cervix, and I could barely manage the pain with standing and rocking. If I had to lay still it would be agony. Subconsciously, I think I just was not ready yet - I was not ready for my sweet baby boy to leave my body and for all that would transpire as we met him and said goodbye.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">After another hour of extremely painful contractions, I agreed to the Cytotec. Whitney put it in and I laid on my side. Thomas sat behind me, and Heidi reached across the bed so I could pull on her arms through the contractions. There are no words to describe the pain at this point. It felt like my body was being torn in half. The midwives were starting to worry about exhaustion - I had been up most of Sunday night with contractions, and now I had been laboring all day as well. It was close to 8pm. It was all I could do to gasp through the contractions, trying desperately to suck air into my lungs. The contractions were on top of each other, and I remember crying out “Jesus, help me!”... the very next contraction my body started pushing. I recognized the overwhelming urge to push from Judah’s labor and gasped “I’m pushing!” Whitney hurried over and we rearranged the bed. I was scooted over to the side, leaning back on pillows. She had me reach down and grab my feet and pull back on them while I pushed through contractions. When I was in labor with Judah, pushing was such a relief - it hurt much less than working through the contractions before I had the urge to push. With Theodore, the relief was more minimal - there was still a lot of pain.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">I think I pushed for half an hour to get Theodore’s head out. It was HARD work and I was exhausted. Judah was completely out in about 10 minutes, so this was a new experience for me. Once again, Theodore was not “helping” me so I was having to do more work. He was also bigger than Judah (who was 8lbs 4oz). Once his head was out, his shoulders became very stuck in my pelvis. Cathy and Whitney had me getting into all different positions - hands and knees, on my side, on my back again… trying to get him out. Cathy had to reach in and pull his shoulders out one by one (painful!). Miraculously I did not tear, not at all, with an almost 10lb baby and all the trouble in getting him out.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;">Eventually Theodore’s shoulders were out and the rest of him just slid out in one last push - he was immediately laid on my chest… 8:46 pm. The umbilical cord was cut and I delivered the placenta while I stared at my precious baby boy. I was flooded with post-birth hormones and endorphins and I was just so relieved and happy that he was in my arms. He looked so very alive right when he was born, even though he was already with Jesus. I was so happy to hold his little body and love him. He was absolutely perfect and so chubby at 9lbs 12oz. His head had no molding from his passage through the birth canal - it was perfectly round. He was such a big boy - he looked like he was already several weeks old! His toes looked just like Thomas’s, along with his inescapable Congdon nose. His ears were exactly like mine. He had dimpled hands with long and chubby fingers. He had dark hair, just like Judah did when he was born… I think Theodore had more of it, though. I just wanted to hold him and examine every inch of him, memorize all the little rolls and dimples. And that’s just what we did, sometimes through tears, but also with laughter and smiles when we noticed something particularly adorable or reminiscent of Judah or ourselves. We just had a baby, and it was something to rejoice about! And he was so, so perfect. Perfectly formed here on earth, and made perfect in heaven with Jesus.</span></span></div>
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</span>Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-65237587661884332702014-07-22T14:58:00.000-05:002014-09-26T16:14:43.599-05:00Dear Theodore {1 month}Dear Theodore,<br />
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Tomorrow will be one month since I went into labor and we went to the birth center, only to discover that your heart had stopped beating. One month since I labored all day to bring your perfect, chubby little body into this world. One month since we held you and loved you with enough love for a lifetime. One month since we said our heart-wrenching goodbyes to you. Tomorrow, instead of celebrating your one-month birthday, we will be laying your ashes to rest in a little family graveside service. Our hearts are broken.<br />
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You will always be a part of our family - we will talk about you and love you forever. Your big brother Judah was so excited to meet you. He came and gave you hugs and kisses when you were born, and marveled over your little hands and feet. We told him that you were going to live in heaven with Jesus, and he said "Baby brother come home? Play with toys?"... he had been waiting so long to share them with you. Sometimes he will ask "go in the car to heaven? see baby Theodore?"... and our hearts break to tell him that we can't. We are so thankful that Judah is joyful little two-year-old - he is sad and he misses you, too, but he brings such light and hope to our world that has been darkened by the grief of losing you.<br />
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This past month without you has been been a blur of sorrow. We have joy because we know you are safely at home with Jesus - and there is no better place you could possibly be. But oh... how we long for you in our arms, to be here with us as a family of four. The things I had dreamed of - Judah tickling your toes and giving you endless kisses and making you giggle. Your Papa holding your tiny snuggly body in his big strong arms. The little newborn snuffles and grunts. Nursing you and gazing into your little eyes. All the little and big milestones... seeing you smile, roll over, sit up, crawl, walk. Taking a million pictures of you, just like I did with your big brother. Our hearts just ache with the broken dreams.<br />
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We don't understand why God chose to take you home before you were born, but we cling to the hope we have in our Jesus. He promises that he works all things together for the good of those who love him. He promises us mercy and grace sufficient. His love and compassions never fail. He promises to be with us and hold us in our grief, even as he is holding you in heaven. He promises to turn our mourning into dancing one day. "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy" - John 16:22.<br />
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We are beyond thankful that you will never suffer on this earth, little Theodore Robert Congdon. You were loved and carried inside me for nine months, and then you fell asleep and woke up in glory. I can only imagine your perfect little face gazing on Jesus. One day we will be there with you again, we will understand God's purposes, and we will sing His praises for eternity.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify; white-space: nowrap;">"When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify; white-space: nowrap;">And take me home, </span><span style="font-weight: bold; text-align: justify; white-space: nowrap;">what joy shall fill my heart!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify; white-space: nowrap;">Then I shall bow in humble adoration,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify; white-space: nowrap;">And there proclaim, </span><q style="text-align: justify; white-space: nowrap;">My God, how great thou art!"</q></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify; white-space: nowrap;">Until then, we will cherish your memory and hold you in our hearts.</span></div>
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Happy one-month-in-heaven, my sweet baby boy.</div>
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We love you and miss you more than words will ever be able to express.</div>
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- Momma, Papa, and your big brother Judah</div>
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</span>Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-44093354919664271252014-04-29T23:59:00.000-05:002014-04-29T23:59:05.674-05:00life lately {4.29.14}<div style="text-align: center;">
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- Well, we bought a house and moved into it. It's been crazy... I was having lots of contractions, Judah got a terrible stomach bug while we were moving, and our washing machine wasn't working. And still isn't working, 2.5 weeks later. It's been quite the ordeal trying to get it fixed. I got put on bed rest last week until baby is full term (I am 32 weeks)... too many contractions and starting to dilate/efface. We found moisture/water and mold in our basement that the inspector somehow missed. Thomas has had to keep up with a busy work schedule and his ridiculously hard and time-consuming grad school class. Needless to say, we have felt rather overwhelmed. But we have had sweet friends help us with laundry, bring us meals, and even come to stay and unpack our house (thank you, Wright family! We feel so much more at home now). And Grandma (Thomas's mom) is coming in a couple of weeks to stay and help until baby boy is born.<br />
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- Despite everything it has entailed, I love our little house. It is just perfect for us right now. It is bright and airy and feels like a home. We don't need the basement living space at the moment, so we can fix the water/mold issue and then just take our time refinishing it (Thomas has already had to rip out most of the finished area of the basement because of the water/mold).<br />
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- I've been starting to think more about baby boy and the fact that he will be here oh so soon. Eight weeks or less... (hopefully not too much less). We've been so busy with the move and everything else, it has snuck up on me. I think about how little time I have left with just Judah, and I wonder how he will adapt to being a big brother. I hate that I'm on bedrest and can't do all the fun things I was planning to do with him before baby gets here - swim lessons, playing at the park, his gym class that we had to quit (he asks about it daily), planting a little garden. I think about baby boy and what he will look like and what his personality will be like. I wonder what his name will be (we still haven't figured that out). I worry a little about the labor and delivery. Will it go fast like last time? Will we make it to the birth center in time? Will I be able to handle the pain again? I wonder what our little family of four is going to be like.<br />
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- Back to the name thing... we are finding it ridiculously hard to name this little guy. Every name we come across that we like seems to have <i>something </i>about it that gives us second thoughts.<br />
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- The nice thing about a second baby is that I don't feel as much pressure to have everything perfect and ready like I did with Judah. Babies just need to be held, loved, nursed, and changed. We have most of what we need from Judah's baby days, and what we don't have... eh, it will all get sorted out!<br />
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- I'm behind in posting the 52 Project... I will get caught up eventually. There may be some phone pictures involved this time... I decided to take the pressure off myself and not worry if I don't manage to get a picture of Judah with my DSLR every week.<br />
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<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-91357621265547830332014-04-26T16:59:00.000-05:002014-05-09T17:01:21.800-05:0017/52<div style="text-align: center;">
"A portrait of Judah once a week, every week, in 2014"</div>
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17/52 - You always ask to be snuggled right next to baby bump so you can give baby brother kisses and hugs and pat and talk to him. You are already such a loving big brother!</div>
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(phone picture this week)</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">[Joining in with <i><a href="http://www.practisingsimplicity.com/" target="_blank">Jodi's</a></i> Project 52]</span></div>
Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-63426828820304430902014-04-19T16:16:00.000-05:002014-05-09T16:22:35.927-05:0016/52<div style="text-align: center;">
"A portrait of Judah once a week, every week, in 2014"<br />
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16/52 - Dancing around the living room in the "new house" among all the boxes. I took a whole series of pictures of you doing this, see below!<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">[Joining in with <i><a href="http://www.practisingsimplicity.com/" target="_blank">Jodi's</a></i> Project 52]</span></div>
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Most of these are blurry, but they still capture the pure delight and energy as he danced around the room.
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his pretend sad face...</div>
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taking a break to work on a puzzle</div>
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Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-56680212684066430982014-04-12T14:02:00.000-05:002014-05-09T14:04:00.959-05:0015/52<div style="text-align: center;">
"A portrait of Judah once a week, every week, in 2014"</div>
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15/52 - Loving "The Tigger Movie" ... sometimes (more often than I should) I pull you into bed and let you watch something on the tablet for a little bit in the mornings, while I try to wake up.</div>
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(It's a phone picture this week - the week we moved!)</div>
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[Joining in with <i><a href="http://www.practisingsimplicity.com/" target="_blank">Jodi's</a></i> Project 52]</div>
Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-20141633658081994032014-04-10T00:49:00.003-05:002014-04-10T00:49:46.710-05:002 years oldThis is basically just a blog post full of all the things I don't want to forget about Judah at 24 months of age :) Along with a few pictures, of course...<br />
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These bath time pictures were taken just a day or two before his birthday. </div>
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I just love them because they are so descriptive of his personality.</div>
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Things he says a lot at the moment:<br />
"No touch the computer/heater/etc.! No touch it!" (he knows what he's not allowed to touch... doesn't always stop him though!)<br />
"Mama get up too!" ... "Mama go downstairs too!"<br />
"Mama sit down here"<br />
"Come on Mama! Let's go!"<br />
"Mama open the eyes please! Put on the glasses!" (when he's trying to wake me up, ha)<br />
.... [Obviously from the above sayings, Mama does not move fast enough for him!]....<br />
"Judah hold it! Hold it the tablet please!" (or anything else he's normally not allowed to hold...)<br />
"Chocolate have some in mouth please?" (a boy after my own heart)<br />
(He sometimes says sentences kind of backwards... with the important word first... "Phone have it please?" or "Food have some please?")<br />
"More cabbage please!" (his "cabbage" actually means "ketchup"... haha, at least it sounds like he eats his vegetables!)<br />
"Ok! All right!"... he says when he falls down. He also will ask his toys if they're ok/all right if they fall etc.<br />
"Solly Mama!" (sorry mama), he says to me if he does something naughty... or "Solly firetruck/other toy"... if he drops/throws them or is otherwise destructive.<br />
"Judah ride the bicycle. Judah go that way." - he is obsessed with his balance bike that he got for his birthday.<br />
"No like Mama's towel. Take off Mama's towel." - he tells me this whenever I have my wet hair wrapped up in a towel, he really doesn't like it!<br />
"Firetruck go upstairs in bath too?"... he always wants to bring his toys with him for bath time/bedtime.<br />
"Go in mama's car? Go to the work?"... he always asks to go to "the work" because that is where Papa goes everyday :)<br />
"Go to the park? Play with the dump trucks in the dirt?" - his favorite park has a sandpit and dump trucks.<br />
"Sharky have some pancakes with peanut butter and jam too?"... he always wants to share his food with his toys :)<br />
"Play outside! Dig in the dirt! Find the squirmies!"... squirmies = earth worms :) His favorite thing to do now that the weather is getting warmer.<br />
"I LOVE IT!"... he declares about anything and everything that he likes.... milk, water, food, activities, toys... "I LOVE chocolate!" or "I LOVE eggies!" or "I LOVE firetrucks!"<br />
"Judah do it!"/ "I do it!"... yep he's definitely becoming a 2 year old!<br />
"Get Judah! Get me!"... or "Judah get Papa!" - he loves chasing or being chased around the circle of our downstairs.<br />
"I drive Mama's car?"... he asks every time we get in the car. haha.<br />
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Bedtime excuses:<br />
"have some water? have some milk?"<br />
"sing songs! sing songs! more songs!"<br />
"more rock-a-bye chair?" (meaning he wants to be rocked and snuggled more)<br />
"pray?" (how are we supposed to say no to that!)<br />
"more kisses?" (the little stinker likes to withhold kisses from me all day, and then whips them out at bedtime... like Thomas says, he's got me wrapped around his little finger...)<br />
"hugs?"<br />
"sleep in mama's bed?"<br />
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When he really wants something his sentences go up in pitch and noise level... "Judah have some milk? HAVE SOME MILK? <b>HAVE SOME MILK PLEEEAASEEEE!</b>"<br />
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Talking about the baby:<br />
"Hi baby!" while rubbing my belly... "Give baby kisses??"... "Give baby hugs??"<br />
"Baby come out now?"... sorry, not for a while buddy!<br />
"Mama and baby come play with the toys?"... he often includes baby now when he asks me to come play!<br />
Once I told him that the baby was kicking me... he thought for a moment, and then said "Naughty baby! No kick mama!" .... haha! He knows that he's not allowed to kick people so he's trying to instill the same values in baby brother :)<br />
We were going for a walk one day recently, and he asked "baby come out and ride in the stroller?"... :)<br />
He got to hold a friend's newborn recently and now he's always asking for "baby brudder" to come out so he can hold him.<br />
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He's started quoting his favorite movies (which are Despicable Me 1 and 2, The Croods, Mater's Tall Tales, Leapfrog Math Adventures to the Moon):<br />
"Lipstick taser!" (DM2)<br />
"Cookie alabata!" (something one of the minions says in DM2)<br />
"not cool! not cool!" (Croods)<br />
"dun dun dah!" ... along with arm gestures (the little sloth guy in the Croods)<br />
"cha cha cha!"... along with dance moves (Mater's Tall Tales)<br />
"what happened?!" (MTT)<br />
"Let's get outta here!" (Leapfrog)<br />
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He also is really starting to play make believe:<br />
- The other day he turned his little four-legged stool over and sat in between the legs, and told me "Judah's rocket ship! Go to the moon!" ... and now it's one of his favorite things to play. He does rocket ship sound effects and goes up to the moon and then comes back down and says "Judah back!". I ask him what he did on the moon and he grins and claps and says "Fun on the moon!".<br />
- He does little voices for his stuffed animals and makes them talk and interact. Same with his cars. He was feeding his rubber ducky breakfast in his highchair the other day and asking the ducky "ducky like yummy toast?" and then saying for the ducky "mmmm yummy! more toast"<br />
- He'll pretend that he is an airplane, or a car, or a firetruck, or a rocket ship etc... he will tell me what he is, and run around making the respective noises.<br />
- He loves to sit in boxes/laundry baskets and pretend he's in a boat, and sing "row, row, row your boat..." and then climb out and pretend to splash in the water.<br />
- He'll tell me his piece of toast that he's eating looks like a turtle or an elephant or a rocket ship whatever else he thinks it looks like at that moment.<br />
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Starting to answer more when we ask him what he did, or what we're going to do etc... Like if I ask him to tell Papa what we did at gymnastics class, he'll say "played in the balls! go in the dolphin swing! circle time!". Or when I say we're going to playgroup he will immediately start talking about how he's going to "play with the other kids!"<br />
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His memory astonishes me. For example, the first time we went to the birth center for an appointment with my midwife, the assistant gave him a little red ball to play with. That was back in... October? Every time we go back (once a month) he still asks for that little red ball even though he only played with it once. Also, whenever I tell him we're going to see my midwife, he says "listen to the baby's heart?"... he knows what's coming!<br />
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He is also very observant. For example, we were Skyping with my family and Uncle Matthew was in the background. We were talking away with Nana and Grandad, and Matt yawned in the background. Judah said "Uncle Matthew tired!" :) Even when he is totally absorbed in playing with something or acts like he isn't listening, he IS indeed listening to every word we say and if he hears something interesting (like how Nana made muffins...) he will instantly ask "Judah have some muffins please?!" (and then we have to explain that Nana did indeed make muffins... but Nana is in Kenya and therefore we can't have her muffins because they're on the "other side of the computer"... poor kid).<br />
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Other general language development:<br />
- using pronouns more - me, you, I<br />
- better overall sentence structure, getting the words in the right places<br />
- starting to use different tenses correctly - "I go play"... "I went"... "I played"<br />
- uses words to describe how he's feeling etc now: "Judah scared of the dark"... "I no like this sandwich" etc.<br />
- using words like under, over, behind, around, close, far away etc... to describe things. "Judah hiding under the table!"... "Doggy far away" etc<br />
- starting to sing more complete songs - Itsy Bitsy Spider, Row Your Boat, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Jesus Loves Me.<br />
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Personality:<br />
He is two years old and therefore has his moments, but his general demeanor/personality is very sweet and gentle around other kids... he will try to hug them and hold their hands and play and laugh and giggle with them. This also means he kind of gets taken advantage of - other kids will grab toys away from him and he usually just looks sad momentarily and then goes to find a different toy. When other kids hit or bite him he just looks shocked. If the other kids' moms are watching and make them say sorry to Judah, Judah will grin and try to hug them - all is immediately forgiven and forgotten. If he does knock another kid down, it's always by accident because he is focused on what he's doing (I always have him say sorry! And remind him to watch where he's going.). If he wants a toy that another kid has, he will usually just follow them around until they put it down, haha. We do talk a lot about "waiting your turn" and he will ask "Judah's turn? Judah's turn?". I always hope and pray that he doesn't pick up any of those aggressive gestures, but somehow learns to stand up for himself in a healthy way! He does get more ornery and terrible-two-ish when he's just at home with us (because we're his parents I guess), but with other people he is usually very sweet.<br />
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Still very picky about food and textures. We're working on it. We finished nursing at 22 months old because my milk dried up at the beginning on the 2nd trimester. It was a great way to calm him and comfort him and get him through big transitions/changes, but we're figuring out new ways. There are definitely times when I sigh and wish I could just nurse him, when nothing else is working - when he's sick, or temper tantrumming, or inconsolable etc. Nothing works quite as well as snuggling up and nursing did!<br />
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He is SUPER active and full of energy... pretty normal for a 2 year old boy! But he also loves to sit and snuggle and read books. He loves to be outside and is so much happier and sleeps better when we get to play outside. Thank goodness winter is on its way out. He is silly and goofy and loves to "put on a show" and make us laugh!<br />
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Judah William, we are just loving this age! It comes with its issues, as does every stage, but right now you are so talkative and you are developing the funniest little personality. You make us laugh all day long with the things you do and say. We are in awe of how quickly you grasp things. You are so compassionate and loving and gentle, even in the midst of your rough-and-tumble 2 year old boy-ness. We love you so very much!<br />
<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-63950998001030002812014-04-09T11:19:00.002-05:002014-04-10T01:11:34.961-05:00Second trimester recap - baby #2I'm almost 29 weeks now, so we've hit the third trimester! This pregnancy seems to have gone on forever and yet fast at the same time. I've said this before, but it is SO different the second time around. I hardly have time to think about sweet baby #2 and yet he just keeps on growing while I try to keep up with his big brother.<br />
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Let's see... the first few weeks of the 2nd trimester I felt pretty good, apart from falling down our stairs (while holding Judah!) and spraining my ankle. Fortunately Judah and the baby were just fine, though it scared me half to death... and I had to wear an ankle boot for a couple weeks. Christmas time was magical and lots of fun with Judah. The beginning of the new year is kind of all a blur in my mind... it was freezing and we were stuck inside a lot. Then February came around and the plumbing in our house went kaput, so that was another blur of a couple weeks with plumbers and yucky machines being dragged through our house into the basement, and then having the entire backyard dug up to fix it. Somewhere during that disaster, before we knew it, I was 20 weeks pregnant and we had the highlight of the anatomy ultrasound and finding out that baby #2 is a boy! Fortunately all the plumbing nonsense was fixed just in time for Judah's 2nd birthday and we got to have a fun weekend with Aunty Laura visiting :)<br />
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By the end of February we were house-hunting full swing and I was starting to feel uncomfortable at 23 weeks. I got so much bigger so much faster with this baby. I blame winter for making it impossible to get out and exercise... (I know, I know, there's plenty I could do inside). Also, food is yummy. And I've been worried about doing too much because of all the pre-term labor stuff I had with Judah. Around 26 weeks I started having more contractions, which is the same time it started with Judah. So we're just trying to be careful at the moment. Back when I had the 20 week ultrasound, we also had a consult with the perinatologist (pre-term labor specialist) and everything looked good back then. She warned me to not lift anything heavy, including 30-lb Judah (which is impossible not to do sometimes), and told me that I have an "irritable uterus"... haha.<br />
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By mid-March we found a house, and we will be closing on it on April 11th! Which is this Friday. And we're moving this weekend. I seem to have a history of moving while heavily pregnant... we moved 3 weeks before Judah was born! Obviously, I won't be able to help much with the moving part but I'm trying to get boxes packed up. It's amazing how everything takes twice the effort with a baby belly in the way. Even just rolling over in bed. I remember it being the same way with Judah, but it seems to have happened much sooner with this baby. I find it hard to imagine that I still have up to 11 weeks to get bigger and more uncomfortable. This kid is already up in my ribs, and takes joy in kicking me in the lungs and ramming his head down the other way. Ouch.<br />
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We didn't have a name for Judah picked out until later in his pregnancy (well, we had two and then chose one when he was born)... this sweet baby will be lucky to have a name when he is born. Thomas is so busy with work and grad school, and then add on all the house hunting and buying process (oh and a 2 year old)... well, the poor baby hasn't gotten much of our attention. Hopefully once we settle into our new house and Thomas finishes his semester, we will have more time to "nest" and talk about this sweet little boy who will soon be here.<br />
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So... this 2nd trimester update ended up being more of a life update... but that's kind of how this pregnancy has gone! It's just been a tag-a-long to this crazy life. This baby is sure making himself known recently, though. He is so active, I think more so than Judah was. Judah LOVES to watch baby brother bounce around in my belly... he gets so excited when he sees the baby move, and I love feeling him move around inside me. And it's pretty hard to forget I'm pregnant now that every movement takes extra effort! I have some SPD (symphysis pubic dysfunction... quite common during pregnancy) which basically means lots of hip/pelvic pain... so even just walking is sometimes quite painful. Poor Judah is always saying "come on, Mama!"... I don't move fast enough for him, haha. I will start going to a chiropractor soon, I did that during my third trimester with Judah and it helped so much. I'm also convinced that it helped my labor go so quickly and smoothly - my weekly chiropractor appointment kept my body aligned... hips, pelvis... all very important during childbirth.<br />
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Little baby boy, we are so excited to meet you and welcome you into our [crazy] life. Your big brother asks every day "baby come out now?"... he can't wait to hold you. I'm sure it will be an adjustment, but we will welcome it all with open hearts. Stay inside until you're full term, though, ok? :)<br />
<br />Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-61803735933443795542014-04-06T13:48:00.000-05:002014-05-09T17:07:14.247-05:0014/52<div style="text-align: center;">
"A portrait of Judah once a week, every week, in 2014"</div>
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14/52 - Delighted! Playing with mostly empty balloons is fun :)<br />
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Super behind on posting these Project 52 pictures... I'm backdating them so they'll pop up in the right order.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">[Joining in with <i><a href="http://www.practisingsimplicity.com/" target="_blank">Jodi's</a></i> Project 52]</span><br />
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a few more...<br />
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[showing mama how to blow up the balloons...]<br />
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Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616374659910546650.post-44519634730403779592014-03-30T22:20:00.000-05:002014-03-30T22:20:32.933-05:0013/52<div style="text-align: center;">
"A portrait of Judah once a week, every week, in 2014"</div>
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13/52 - Splashing in puddles after the thunder storm [carrying an ice scraper that you call your "baby shovel"...]<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Joining in with <i><a href="http://www.practisingsimplicity.com/" target="_blank">Jodi's</a></i> Project 52.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">My favorite portrait from last week is <i><a href="http://abigailandthefuture.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/twelve-fifty-two.html" target="_blank">this little guy and his reflection in the train window.</a></i></span><br />
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... and some more thunder storm pictures...<br />
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Sarah C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06855112862229792774noreply@blogger.com0