Dear Theodore {4 months}

10/23/2014 - 4 months in heaven

Dear Theodore,

This fourth month since losing you has been strange. So busy and full of new and fun things. We are living life fully - busy fall days full of playdates and MOPS and errands and cooking and playing and eating. It's just like I imagined this fall season to be, but... so very opposite.

The busyness of this month has not allowed me to really stop and process things. I can tell when I need to slow down and take some time to reflect and really allow myself to grieve... and this month there have been too many days where I have ignored this feeling. It's not good for me to stuff grief down because it just comes out in other ways. It is hard to find a balance. Perhaps the hardest thing is that it is even necessary that I have to find a balance between involving myself in life and grieving the loss of you. You should be here, part of all the busyness... giving us those moments of joy that instead we are missing out on each day.

I have felt a little dry this month - usually words flow freely and I am able to express myself. I seem to have reached a point in my grief journey where things are hard to express, and I've had to come to accept that. It's the awkward in-between... that will be awkward and in-between until we meet again. I'm no longer in the hazy grief fog that enveloped me for the first couple of months, but the grief is still very much there... because you are very much not here. Life is more clear, and though this sometimes makes the pain sharper, I am also more able to involve myself in things and enjoy them. I'm not sure how to proceed other than to keep walking and trusting that God will lead me down this path between grief and acceptance. It is not a straight path... it's curled and twisted and spiralling. It does not have an end, at least not here on earth.

I have nothing profound to say today. Just that I miss you, my little boy. I ache to hold your chubby little self... to see you smile, to hear you interact with Judah, to nurse you in the middle of the night. I wish I knew how it felt to lug you around in your car seat whilst keeping track of Judah. I wish you could have come to the pumpkin patch and apple picking with us. I know you are living with the fullest joy in heaven... but I still wish you were here with us.

We love you, Theodore. Happy four-months-in-heaven. Every day for you is the greatest celebration of life... knowing that gives me peace.

~ Momma, Papa, and Judah