Dear Theodore (1 year old)

6/23/2015 - One year old in heaven

Dear Theodore,

I'm nearly two months late in writing this down, but it has been running through my head constantly. My sweet one year old little boy, my heart is broken and missing you. Your first birthday happened in the midst of much craziness - we had just found out about baby sister's cyst, so we had multiple appointments with specialists and had to switch providers in order to birth her in a hospital instead of the birth center. I was in a car accident two days after your birthday and then your little sister was born just eight days after your birthday. I carried you every second in my heart and my thoughts, but there was not a time for me to sit and write your letter.

Subconsciously I knew that your first birthday would be in the middle of lots of activity, so I did a lot of grieving in the months and weeks leading up to it... I felt the weight of grief very heavily again. The actual day of your birthday was the one peaceful and calm day that week... there were no appointments, and I was able to do the few things I had planned on doing. I took flowers and chocolates to the birth center where you were born, I wrote thank-you notes (that I still need to mail, yikes!), and we visited your grave with the freshly laid gravestone. Nana and Grandad took us out for dinner, and Nana made you the perfect cake for a one-year-old little boy. I wasn't sure if I wanted to sing "Happy Birthday" or not... but Judah started singing it to you all by himself when he saw the cake with the candle lit, so we sang it with him and it was perfect. You were born at 8:46pm, so we went outside after we ate some cake and lit sparklers in the backyard around that time. I wasn't sure leading up to the 23rd what it would look like or even what I wanted it to look like, but it really was just what I didn't know I wanted. So many wonderful people participated in "Theodore's Thank You Day" and did acts of kindness in your memory - it brought peace and joy to my heart to see/hear/read about the things people did. The very next morning we were back to appointments and craziness, but I'm so grateful that God gave us the special, peaceful day that I was hoping for on your birthday. It was enough to get me through those few crazy weeks surrounding baby sister's birth.

I cannot believe that it has been a year... a long year since I birthed you and held you and kissed you for six of the shortest and longest hours on earth. You were such a big boy, 9lbs 12oz! You looked a month old at birth, so chubby and roly poly. I will always desperately wish for more time with you, to see you grow and change, to know you at one year old. As Judah likes to say "Baby Theodore is not a baby anymore, he is a big boy in heaven!"

I don't really know what else to say, just that we miss you so very much. I'm realizing more and more that no matter what our family looks like, there will always be you missing. And that is an ache that we will carry until we meet again - some days it is so very achy.

Happy First Birthday, my sweet Theodore. I am thankful for the peaceful day that it was here on earth, and that every day for you is like the best birthday ever... but I still wish that your face was covered in chocolate cake, and that we could all be laughing at how adorable you are.

Love, Momma, Papa, Judah, and Nella

The last "monthly sticker" balloons - 12 months old.

Visiting your grave

Judah always runs and lets balloons go in the field by your grave.

Birthday cake (chocolate, picked by your big brother)

Sparkler fun outside

We lit a sky lantern, and tied it to the fence so it wouldn't float away (fire hazard!)

Chocolate and flowers for the wonderful people at the birth center you were born at

Thank you notes (still writing them... and still need to mail them!)

Dear Judah {3 years old}

Dear Judah,

I can't believe it's been three whole years (plus a couple months...) since you were born! I can hardly remember what life was like without you. It seems like lifetimes ago that you were born, and just yesterday at the same time. It does feel like it's been much longer than three years ago that you were a tiny baby - you are so big and grown up now, it's hard to imagine you as a baby. I love the Timehop app on my phone because I get to see pictures of you three years ago, two years ago, and one year ago often. It's crazy how much a little person grows in the first few years of life.

We had a little party for your third birthday with our small group, and I made you a construction site cake. You were so excited and joyful about it all, it was a delight to watch.

You never stop talking these days... whether you're creating an imaginary play world for yourself, or telling me about something that happened (in real life or in your imaginary worlds), or asking me if you can go somewhere or do something. You hold entire elaborate conversations with the characters in your imaginary worlds. Your vocabulary and sentence structure is impressive (I'm obviously biased, but you are an excellent little talker and many people comment on it). You recognize your numbers and letters, and you love to show off by "spelling" your name to anyone who will listen :) "J-U-D-A-H! That spells ME! It's my name!". You recognize many common signs/words that we see a lot... you can spot a Chick-Fil-A from a mile away, ha. Target, Costco, Hyvee, IKEA, Whole Foods, Aldi, McDonalds (the big yellow M!), Freddy's, and lots more... you always point them out as we drive by. You recognize the words "Judah, Mama, Papa, Nana, Thomas, Sarah, Baby" because we often spell them with magnets on the fridge, or write them on your easel. You like to make letter shapes out of things like beads and sticks - your favorite letter to make is "T"

You love to ride your balance bike around the front and back yards like a crazy child... up and down hills, lifting your feet up to coast along, zooming around like it's second nature. You will be ready for a pedal bike soon, I think! We are SO VERY GLAD that winter is over. Being outside makes our days much easier.

You are grasping deeper concepts and asking lots of questions now, and we are finding it difficult to explain things to you in ways that you can comprehend. We recently had Easter and that was a hard one to explain! You can rattle off the whole story of how Jesus died on the cross for our sins and then rose again to conquer death so that we can go to heaven. But you are still confused... "But WHY did Jesus have to die, mama? His friends are going to miss him!". You were also confused that not everyone can become alive again after they die! (Many of your imaginary games involved characters dying and then coming back to life for a few days, haha). These are all hard things to understand even as an adult, so it's difficult to know how to discuss them with a curious and very imaginative three-year-old!

You want to know how everything works, and where everything comes from. You certainly keep me on my toes with all your questions. And of course, the ever-present "Why?"... "But WHY mama?"

You are the best big brother, to Theodore and baby sister. You remember Theodore and talk about him often. You adore baby sister and are constantly rubbing my belly, talking to her, telling her you love her and how cute she is, giving her hugs and kisses, and trying to get her to kick you. You can hardly wait for her to come out!

Your train table and your play kitchen are two of your favorites right now. You make up stories about your trains as they travel around the tracks, and you love to cook us "dinner" and bake us all kinds ot cakes and cookies and pies in your kitchen. Being outside is another favorite thing... with your bike, lawnmower, and your new-to-us little climber, wagon, and cozy coupe. You also love to "pretend drive" my car or Papa's car. You could spend hours just sitting in the driver's seat, buckling and unbuckling your seatbelt, pushing all the buttons that we let you push, pretending to fill up with gas, go shopping, get ice cream....

We recently moved you from your toddler bed (converted from your crib) to a big boy bed. You love it and transitioned just fine, but it was hard for momma! You slept in that crib/toddler bed for over three years. I have a picture of the very first time you slept in it, and one of the very last night you slept in it. I can't believe how big you are getting.

We love you, big three year old!!! Eventually I'll get around to sorting through all the pictures and posting some.....

TWO!!!

Dear Judah,

Today you are TWO years old! I can't believe we're here already... I can't believe it was two years ago today that you made your whirlwind entrance into this world. It feels like this year went by even faster than the first year - you grew and developed and learned at such a fast pace I barely had time to comprehend it.

It's been a very busy 2nd year of life for you. We moved to a new state, traveled around the world visiting family, settled into a new house and new routines, and made new friends. You went from toddling around to running and jumping, from saying a few short words to speaking in full sentences. Your little brain is working a mile-a-minute from the moment you wake up, figuring out new things. It's incredible to watch.

If the past few weeks are any indication, two is going to be awesome. Each new stage just gets better. Your level of comprehension and communication has jumped through the roof, and you are just so much FUN to play and interact with and be around. You ask questions, and you answer our questions. We have conversations about our day, where we went and and what we did. You love to tell Papa about your day when he comes home. You also talk about our family around the world and ask to call them on Skype. And sometimes you just hijack the tablet and call them yourself :)

You know your numbers and your alphabet, your colors and your shapes... you describe everything around you - "brown couch", "blue spoon" - and you spot shapes and letters and numbers wherever we go. You love to run and jump and dance and rough house. You love to play with trucks and cars and airplanes. You also love to sit and flip through books, reading aloud to yourself. You carefully build tall towers with your blocks, and then gleefully knock them down. You love to draw and color and paint. You love to "cook" things and help momma in the kitchen. You love playing chase and hide-and-seek. You love listening to music and singing and playing musical instruments. Some of your favorite things are balloons, firetrucks, elephants, choo choo trains, bath time, and playing with Papa. You are loving and affectionate and liberally give out hugs and kisses. You are a full-on toddler/preschooler, embracing every minute of life. The only times you really get upset are when you're hungry or tired.

This year you will be joined by a little brother. You are already so sweet and loving to "baby brudder in mama's tummy". I'm sure it will be a big shock to your system when he actually comes out, but I know you will love him. We will make the most of these last few months of just you & me... I will snuggle and rock you and play with you and give you the best of my time and attention. We've been each other's constant buddies for these past two years, and I will make sure that we still get our special time when baby brother comes along.

I still stare at you in wonder sometimes and think.... "Are you really ours? How did we get blessed this delightful little human being?". Other times I stare at you just completely amazed at how grown up you are, when you do things like ask for a specific snack ("have puffs and milk please?") and then get a bowl and spoon and climb into your highchair and wait for it. And there are yet other times when we've perhaps had a hard toddler day, and you climb into my lap and snuggle in and pat my face, fitting so perfectly into my arms... or when I rock you and you fall asleep in my arms like a newborn again... that I just melt into a puddle and thank God for the incredible blessing of being your Momma.

Happy Birthday, my baby boy! Papa and I love you so very much.

Little snow bunny :)

a little birthday photoshoot

02/13/2013 - Your first birthday!

On your actual birthday, I let you have another cupcake. I set up a little photoshoot just for the fun of it :)

We were Skyping with Nana and Grandad at the same time! They sang happy birthday to you and watched you demolish the cupcake from the computer.

You loved "blowing" out the candle again with my help.

And then you tried to eat the candle :)

You made a big chocolatey mess, even getting some on the balloons behind you :)

Playing with Queen Buzzy Bee (after a change of onesie and some serious wiping up!)

I love these next two pictures :)

Getting the hang of pulling Buzzy Bee along.

We went for a walk once Dada got home from work.

Your birthday day was perfect... laid back and normal but special at the same time :)

First Birthday Party!

02/09/2013 - Party Day!

Playing with your present from Momma and Daddy :)

Party decorations... all looks calm and complete in these pictures, but getting ready that day was a bit frantic to say the least :) My ideas for the decorations kind of ran away with themselves and got more involved than I had originally planned... it was loosely a "bookworm" birthday party theme, and I had so much fun getting stuff ready for it.

Thankfully cousin Emily and Judah's Uncle James were here to help on party day... we could not have pulled it off without them! They were amazing!

I found the "Happy Birthday" banner free printable here.

We strung pictures of Judah's first year up around the living room and dining room with twine and wooden clothes pins. I actually haven't taken them all down yet two months later! I love having lots of picture up.

We blew up lots of balloons.

I made a little 0 - 11 month display with the stickers he's wearing in the pictures - we hadn't taken the 12 month picture yet since the party was before his birthday.

I put some of my favorite pictures from the year on the table along with little bookworms and magnetic wooden alphabet letters strewn about.

Party favors: gummy bookworms :)

And some bookmarks.

[Free printables for gummy bookworms and bookmarks found here]

We had cupcakes instead of a big cake.

Bookworm toppers. I just found a bookworm picture that I liked online and printed a few pages of them, then cut them out and glued them to a toothpick. I used the same ones for the table and the party favors.

"Goodnight Moon" is Judah's favorite book so I printed mini book covers (found the cover picture online and just adjusted it to the right dimensions etc. in Word) and made cupcake toppers out of them with toothpicks.

Unfortunately I don't have too many pictures from the actual party... mainly just from the cake part!

You had just woken up from a nap, Judah boy, so all the people were a bit overwhelming for you. You took refuge with the balloons :)

Cake time! You were fascinated with the candle, but a little unsure about it since you'd never seen one before! You didn't quite get how to blow it out at, so we helped you. You've figured it out since then, and now you LOVE to blow candles out :)

Starting in on the cupcake.

You were a little hesitant at first...

... but soon you had chocolate everywhere!

Playing with your buddy Caleb :)

You were super hyper from the sugar high after the cupcake!

And then you stuck your butt in his face... such a lovely friend you are! :)

After everyone left, we opened your presents. You got some great books to fill up your library thanks to your sweet party guests, my little bookworm :)

You also opened Pingu the stuffed penguin from Nana and Grandad... it was love at first sight! You were so delighted!

Relaxing with Uncle James and Pingu after the party.

Skyping with some more uncles!

It was such a fun day!  

Even though you will never remember it, I'm glad we did this little party for you. It was more for us than for you really... haha :) We survived the first year of parenthood!