Dear Theodore {1 month}

Dear Theodore,

Tomorrow will be one month since I went into labor and we went to the birth center, only to discover that your heart had stopped beating. One month since I labored all day to bring your perfect, chubby little body into this world. One month since we held you and loved you with enough love for a lifetime. One month since we said our heart-wrenching goodbyes to you. Tomorrow, instead of celebrating your one-month birthday, we will be laying your ashes to rest in a little family graveside service. Our hearts are broken.

You will always be a part of our family - we will talk about you and love you forever. Your big brother Judah was so excited to meet you. He came and gave you hugs and kisses when you were born, and marveled over your little hands and feet. We told him that you were going to live in heaven with Jesus, and he said "Baby brother come home? Play with toys?"... he had been waiting so long to share them with you. Sometimes he will ask "go in the car to heaven? see baby Theodore?"... and our hearts break to tell him that we can't. We are so thankful that Judah is joyful little two-year-old - he is sad and he misses you, too, but he brings such light and hope to our world that has been darkened by the grief of losing you.

This past month without you has been been a blur of sorrow. We have joy because we know you are safely at home with Jesus - and there is no better place you could possibly be. But oh... how we long for you in our arms, to be here with us as a family of four. The things I had dreamed of - Judah tickling your toes and giving you endless kisses and making you giggle. Your Papa holding your tiny snuggly body in his big strong arms. The little newborn snuffles and grunts. Nursing you and gazing into your little eyes. All the little and big milestones... seeing you smile, roll over, sit up, crawl, walk. Taking a million pictures of you, just like I did with your big brother. Our hearts just ache with the broken dreams.

We don't understand why God chose to take you home before you were born, but we cling to the hope we have in our Jesus. He promises that he works all things together for the good of those who love him. He promises us mercy and grace sufficient. His love and compassions never fail. He promises to be with us and hold us in our grief, even as he is holding you in heaven. He promises to turn our mourning into dancing one day. "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy" - John 16:22.

We are beyond thankful that you will never suffer on this earth, little Theodore Robert Congdon. You were loved and carried inside me for nine months, and then you fell asleep and woke up in glory. I can only imagine your perfect little face gazing on Jesus. One day we will be there with you again, we will understand God's purposes, and we will sing His praises for eternity.

"When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow in humble adoration,
And there proclaim, My God, how great thou art!"

Until then, we will cherish your memory and hold you in our hearts.

Happy one-month-in-heaven, my sweet baby boy.

We love you and miss you more than words will ever be able to express.

- Momma, Papa, and your big brother Judah

Two months old!

Sweet baby Jude, you turned two months old on April 13th! Time is just flying by. You are the most delightful little soul and I am thrilled to spend every moment with you.

Staring up at momma, who was making funny faces at you.

 Sticking your tongue out at us!

Sitting up all by yourself!

Staring at the toys hanging from your play gym.

Smiles for momma.

A little chat with Dad.

 Precious laughter!

How big you are:

At your 2 month check up on 4/16/12 (you were 9 weeks old to the day) you weighed 13lbs 15oz! Good heavens, child! You are a big boy, and you just love your food. The pediatrician was very impressed with your strength, alertness, and general good health. You’re only about 2.5 lbs away from doubling your birth weight of 8lbs 4oz! My arms get a work out carrying you around all day. You are wearing mostly 0-3 and 3 month size clothing, and starting to fit some 3-6 month clothes!

Things you love:

You still LOVE your bath time. We’ve started filling up the big tub with water and putting your bath seat in there. We wash you down and then let you “swim” around the tub (with one of us holding you!). You love to kick and splash with your legs and arms. We also sing to you while you’re taking a bath, and you’ve started to “sing along” with your little voice – it’s very adorable!

You LOVE being held and carried around. You are very curious and like to be held up on our shoulders, or facing outwards so you can see the world around you.

You LOVE playing in your gym. You like to be propped up in a semi-sitting position with your Boppy pillow and you grin at the dangling toys and bat at them with your chubby little arms.

You’ve also started to LOVE playing with toys that rattle or jingle. You got some cute little wrist rattles in your Easter basket, and you love to wave your arms around and hear them rattle. Whenever we rattle or jingle a toy in front of you, you start smiling and chuckling and talking to it.

You LOVE brightly colored and contrasting objects – they catch your attention and you will grin at them and talk to them!

You [obviously!] LOVE your food. This month you’ve been eating every 3-4 hours during the day, and every 5-6 hours at night. The only time you really get upset is if you are hungry and fortunately for you, that is a quick fix!

You LOVE to look at faces – especially mom and dad’s faces! It makes us feel really special that you recognize us and always give us the biggest smiles when there are other people around J You have a little book with photos of baby’s faces that you also love to stare at. The other day at our mom and baby class, we sat next to another little baby girl and you two just STARED at each other for the longest time – it was hilarious!

You LOVE soft fuzzy blankets! Your Great-grandma Driver sent you one that you snuggle up in every time you go to sleep. If you are overtired and fighting sleep, all we have to do is wrap you up in a fuzzy blanket and you nuzzle into it and fall right to sleep.

You also LOVE your pacifier when it’s time to go to sleep. We pop a paci in your mouth and you suck on it and your eyes start to droop… and then you’re out for the count! It helps to keep you sleeping too – if you wake up you just start sucking again and fall right back asleep.

You LOVE to have our attention! If we are holding you, but doing something else, you will protest with little yelps and bat at us with your hands until we look at you and talk to you again! We are always rewarded by the biggest smiles and chuckles J

You still LOVE music. I’ve noticed that you respond the most to voices singing, and to cello and piano music. I try to remember to put music on whenever we are hanging out at home. You got some awesome CD’s with fun songs and lullabies from your Aunty Laura and Aunty Mary JI still need to get my flute out and play for you – I’m sure you will be fascinated by it. You love it when we whistle for you, especially when you’re right in front of our faces and you can feel it too! If you are crying because you’re hungry, Dad can distract you by whistling and singing to you until Mom is ready to feed you.

You LOVE being carried around in your pouch sling and your Maya ring sling. You love being held close and tight like that and you usually fall fast asleep. You are getting so big already, though, and momma’s shoulders and back get sore from carrying you around. We need to look into some more structured baby carriers that use both shoulders!

Things you don’t like:

You’re still not a big fan of diaper changes, but you are getting better at them! As long as you aren’t hungry, we can usually get through a diaper change without too many tears.

If you are awake, you don’t like to be in your carseat when it’s not moving. As long as we driving in the car, or riding in your stroller you’re fine, but if we stop moving for too long you protest! So far, though, car rides usually put you to sleep and then you’ll stay asleep when we bring you inside. As soon as you wake up, though, you want out!

You don’t like being by yourself if you are awake. You like to hear us and see us and know we are close by! I feel the same way about you J

What you’ve been up to this month:

You have become so alert and smiley and talkative this month. We have long conversations now – you tell me all about your day with coo’s and ahhhh’s and ooohh’s and ah-goo’s J You also sing along when I sing to you. You’ve started chuckling/giggling when you find something funny – it’s just the most precious thing!

You make the most adorable faces, both when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake. Your chubby cheeks and expressive face make our hearts melt over and over again.

You hold up your head almost perfectly now. You also hold your torso up very well, because you love to be up and looking about when we hold you over our shoulders. You’re not all floppy like a newborn anymore! When you are awake you like to hold yourself up, push up with your legs, and wave your arms around. You purposefully bat at things with your hands.

You are also a snuggly baby – you burrow your head into my neck when you’re tired or overstimulated and you like to be held close.

When you do tummy time, you can do a mini-pushup and look around. You haven’t rolled completely over to your back yet, but you can roll from side to side. You’ve almost rolled over many times, but you always get startled and stop right as you’re about to go over!

You’ve started settling into more of a routine. We’re just following your lead at the moment, because we figure you will let us know what you need! You don’t sleep through the night without eating (which is perfectly normal for a baby your age, and it doesn’t bother me at all – I love your sleepy nighttime snuggles), but you do sleep solidly from about 10 or 11pm to 10 or 11am, waking twice for feedings around 3am and 8am. For those two feedings you usually only wake up just enough to eat what you want and then you go right back to sleep. If we have to go somewhere in the morning, you will usually just sleep in your carseat until about the same time as normal (10-11am). You eat then when you wake up, and you’re usually awake for an hour or two. You might take a little cat nap, and then you eat again around 1 or 2pm and go down for a 2-3 hour nap. You eat again when you wake up from that nap (4-5pm) and then you’re awake for a couple hours and we play! Dad comes home at 5:30pm (when he doesn’t have grad classes) and you play with him. Around 6-7pm you take another little nap and then you eat again around 8 pm. Then you are awake for a couple hours and this is when we do story time, bath time, and sing to you. Usually around 11pm you eat again and then go down for the night!

You are sleeping in our room in your bassinet. Right now the plan is to keep you in our room until you sleep through the night without needing to eat, which could be several months. Your bassinet clicks into its stroller base, but we’ve recently ended up just putting it at the bottom of our bed instead because it’s easier and we don’t have the huge stroller taking up space in our bedroom. It’s also easy because I just sit up and grab you from end of the bed to feed you and put you back when you’re done eating. Our bed has a footboard so the bassinet sits securely at my feet. You are going to outgrow the bassinet before too long, so we’ll have to come up with a new plan then!

We have been getting out more this month, and you are so easy to take with me everywhere I go – grocery shopping, arrands etc. You usually sleep in your carseat if we’re out during naptimes, or I carry you in a sling, or hold you in my lap if we’re at something like our mom and baby class. You are a contented baby! Your honorary Aunties Laura & Mary visited last week and you just tagged along wherever we went. Of course, you had all three of us to love and adore you all day long!

You had your first Easter! I made you a little Easter basket and you shared your chocolate with us J You got some books and a teething toy and wrist rattles. You also got an adorable outfit that you wore to church!

You went on your first picnic, to White Rock Lake! You were asleep in your carseat for most of it, but we had a great time J

You went on your first outing to the pool when Laura and Mary were here… the weather is perfect right now. Before long it will be too hot to spend time outside! You slept in your stroller most of the time… we kept you in the shade. The only time you were out in the sun was for a few minutes to take pictures! I dipped your little toes in the pool but you were not a fan of the cold water.

We started putting you in cloth diapers right at the end of your 2^ndmonth. I had planned to just use disposables for the first month, but I overestimated how many we would need – we still have quite a good stock of size 1’s and 2’s! You are about to outgrow the size 1’s so we squeeze you into those during the day to use them up, and put you in cloth diapers at night because they’re much more absorbent. I have 6 Fuzzibunz cloth diapers and 6 BumGenius ones… so far I really like both of them for different reasons. The BumGenius seem to work best at nighttime (more absorbent), but the Fuzzibunz ones are SO much easier to get the poopy stains out of - I'm not sure what the difference is! I’m still trying to work out the kinks in our diaper laundry routine – just ordered some Rockin’ Green detergent and I’m hoping that works better. I'll probably do a whole post about cloth diapers soon.

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I am LOVING every minute, baby boy. You are such a charming little fellow – you bring joy to people everywhere with your sweet smiles and laid-back personality. I am finding each new stage to be even better and more exciting than the last. That said, though, please don’t grow up too quickly! I am savoring your babyhood because I know it will go by like a flash.

Happy 2 months, Judah William. Your father and I love you from the depths of our hearts.

One month old!

Judah William, you are one month old! This month has been the fastest one of my life, watching you change and grow before my eyes. It's also been the best month of my life... the first month with YOU!

A little one-month-old photoshoot.

(Thanks for the awesome stickers, Caden!)

"Maybe I'll play along and give them a smile..."

"Here it comes..."

"Oh yeah, they're gonna love this smile!"

"Phewsh, that smile was hard work"

Deep in thought.

Oh! We are distressed!

"Heh"

Taking a little paci break...

"This photoshoot business is hard work..."

How big you are: 
At two weeks, you were 9lbs 4oz and 20.5 inches long, and you haven't been weighed or measured since then. You were supposed to have your one-month appointment this week, but the doctor isn't in her office, so we have to wait until next week to find out how much you've grown! I'm guessing you're at least 11lbs by now... you are a little chunker!

Things you love:
You LOVE your bath time. As soon as you are put in the water, your whole body relaxes and you make happy little sighs and coos. We always make sure the bathroom is nice and warm so you don't get cold. You often fall asleep while we're bathing you!
You LOVE to be held, especially with your head on our shoulders. You love having your back patted. You are quite the little monkey, because you know that if you cry (when you're laying in your play gym or bassinet or something) we will usually pick you up. Most of the time the only reason you cry is so that we will pick you up, and you are as happy as a clam as soon as you are in our arms! We love it. Maybe we are spoiling you, but I don't think babies can be spoiled by being held... they just need lots of snuggle time. It must be quite the shock to the system to suddenly be out in the big wide world after being snuggled up in mom's belly for so long! Sometimes we fight over who gets to hold you :)
You LOVE your food - you are a very good eater (as evidenced by your very healthy weight gain!) I feed you every 3-4 hours during the day, and at night you go 4-6 hours between feeds. We introduced a bottle (of pumped milk) at 2 weeks, and you sucked it down like a champ. You get one bottle every day so you stay used to it. That way someone else can feed you if mom needs to go somewhere!
You LOVE to suck on things. I figured this out when you would nurse for up to an hour - really you were just using me as a pacifier! You suck on your fists, and you try to suck on anything that comes close to your mouth. So we introduced a pacifier and you love it. Unfortunately you're not great at keeping it in your mouth (and when it comes out you tend to get upset) so we have to keep plugging it back in, but you'll get it soon enough.
You LOVE music... and being sung to. Daddy makes up silly songs for you, and I often sing you to sleep. You love it when there's music on, you go very quiet and look like you're listening intently.
You generally like tummy time... it depends on what kind of mood you're in. You do love to sleep on your tummy, but we only  let you do that when we're awake and watching you.

Things you don't like:
You DO NOT like having your diaper changed. It makes your little bottom cold and you do not like anything cold! Anytime we touch you or pick you up with cold hands, you start crying! You will usually cry while we change your diaper (as quick as we can), and as soon as we are done and pick you up you are perfectly happy again.
Sometimes at night you decide that you don't like being alone in your bassinet (which is in our room), so we move all our pillows and blankets and put you on the bed with us. Then you can sense us next to you and you sleep like a rock! Little monkey. Being close to us makes you feel secure, so we don't mind.
There's really not much you don't like... you're a pretty laid-back baby!

What you've been up to this month:
It's incredible how much you've changed in just a month. You've gone from a helpless, floppy (but oh-so-cute) newborn to a happy one-month-old who can hold his head up for short periods, smile at us, and "talk" to us. You've figured out that your arms and legs are attached to your body and you kick and wriggle and wave your arms around happily. You like to put your fist in your mouth and suck on it.
You started mimicking simple facial expressions when you were about a week old. You can make "kissy lips", stick out your tongue at us, and smile :) You smiles are now becoming more purposeful and sometimes you give them spontaneously which makes us squeal with delight :) (OK, maybe the squealing mostly comes from mom, but it makes daddy very happy too!).
You get hiccups all the time, just like when you were inside me. Usually you get them after you eat. So far we haven't figured out how to get rid of them... they eventually just stop on their own. You are starting to get more annoyed with your hiccups as you get older! Poor baby... I would be annoyed too!
You've "talked" to us from the very beginning with your little body. When we talk to you or smile at you, your whole body starts moving, you mouth opens and closes, and your hands start waving as you try to communicate with us. More recently you've started using your voice to talk to us too... with little oohs and aahs and agoos. It's so cute. You've made grunting and squeaking noises since you were born... often in your sleep. Sometimes you sound like a horse and we laugh at you :)
You've developed a pattern of being very wakeful and playful from about 2am to 4am. You wake up to eat at 2am, and then you're wide awake usually for a couple of hours, and you just want to have our attention! We're working on getting you back to sleeping then, but we're enjoying the happy smiles you give us during that time. We just wish it was more like 2 in the afternoon instead of 2 in the morning :)

Oh, what joy you have brought to our lives Judah William! We love you so very much, and we are so grateful that God has chosen us to be your parents! We are excited to watch you grow (but not too fast, ok?) and explore and learn about this big wide world of adventures and possibilities.